Forget all that stuff we’ve said about mobile phone games being shit and irrelevant and for idiots – SONIC IS AT NUMBER ONE IN SOME SORT OF CHART AGAIN!

THE ELSPA UK MOBILE DOWNLOAD CHART, FOR APRIL 2006

1 SONIC THE HEDGEHOG – GLU MOBILE/SEGA
2 TETRIS – EA
3 THE SIMS 2 – EA
4 WORMS – THQ
5 BLOCK BREAKER DELUXE – GAMELOFT
6 ICE AGE 2: ARCTIC SLIDE – GLU MOBILE
7 MONOPOLY – GLU MOBILE
8 EA SPORTS FIFA 06 – EA
9 RONNIE O’SULLIVAN SNOOKER – PLAYER ONE
10 CHAMPIONSHIP MANAGER 2006 – EIDOS

This is one of those little victories that makes us happy, like putting a magazine inside a newspaper and only paying for the newspaper.

For ONLY 1.99! It’s amazing, the local chemist once again shows that it’s the greatest breed of shop. Having already proved it’s worth over the last eight years with a steady and never-ending stock of powerful Valium pills and industrial strength lubricants we didn’t think it could be any better. We were wrong. They have truly outdone themselves this time:

It’s some kind of cosmic sign that this still exists and is on a shelf after 15 years. Perhaps there’s even some kind of metaphor for SEGA there. We have ZERO doubt at all that were we to open this wonderful little bottle of gaming merchandise DELIGHT, it would actually smell of 1992, Mega Drive, and Becky Boroughclough’s hair.

THIS IS THE SCIENCE BIT:
In fact the bottle has been opened now and the reaction it has elicited from people includes:

“Smells of ‘Tolkien powder’.”

“Smells of grannies.”

“Oh fuck it smells of liquid.”

“It smells of cocaine.” (After snorting it.)

“It smells just like Tails – SHIT.”

This on-the-spot report provided by guest updater The Cap’n.

It’s something for PS3 that the PlayStation creator is calling “Friends” – it’s a “list” of people you play online games with. A sort of “Friends list” if you will.

Where do they get these brilliant ideas from?

This is a sort of review of New Super Mario Bros on DS.

He smells just like we remember!

Look at him! The other kids laughed at us and said he was an unemployed plumber and a bent, but now he’s at the top of his game! He hasn’t even hit mummy once, even though everyone knows she’s been going out with that creepy Mr Gates from the Aldi.

Hold us, daddy. The bank says that when we bought the house from them we actually only bought their permission to live in it, and they’re going to evict us because we asked Joey round for a sleepover. Tell us that you’re going to make it all okay and you’ll never go away again.

Life is worth living again! We’re happy! It’s like being back on the Prozac/Zoloft combination therapy! Every day brings a new Sony DISASTER, as PlayStation3 morphs into more of a joke by the second. 425 pounds! A remake of an old PS2 racer as its ‘main game’! A rubbish controller copied off Nintendo! Blu-Ray no one wants! Executives who brand it “a bargain” and think it’s above criticism and that we should be grateful it’s launching a new PlayStation at all!

Every day we wake up invigorated, desperate to see the latest in PS3 comedy disintegration. We’ll be triumphantly hoisting PlayStation’s bleeding corpse into the air yet.

And then there are the games.

This, 12 months ago, was what Tekken 6 was going to look like.

This is what Tekken 6 looks like today. Next year, when it comes out, it’ll look like a third-party Dreamcast game like all the rest of the piss-poor PS3 stuff shown at E3. Seeing this breathes life into our souls! Yeah, Sony, carry on begging those third-parties to pretend their multi-format games are exclusive to PS3 so your game line-up doesn’t look like such a disaster. It won’t make a difference.

Still, women get punched in the stomach in it, so it’s not that bad.

As if playing a game about buying carpets and organising flowers into lines wasn’t gay enough, Nintendo is now proud to bring you…

THE ULTIMATE HOMOEROTIC VIDEO GAME PHOTO SHOOT:

So what demographic is Nintendo after with this? The self-harming pretending-to-be-bisexual emo-neo-Goth demographic?

If MySpace had existed in 1991, this would’ve been its official photograph.

This is the caption in which we change our minds and declare the whole thing is actually an amazingly brilliant idea.

We can’t help but wonder who had sex with who after this shoot ended (the ginger man obviously just had a wank on his own).

It’s easy having a “web site” nowadays. All you do is paste in links to Google Video and YouTube that people email you. Piece of piss, this.

MANY OF WHICH YOU’VE PROBABLY SEEN BEFORE:

Someone completing Sonic 1 in 18:28

Street Fighter II Turbo promotional video (including Japanese live-action TV adverts)

Useless yanks, but they’re making an effort

Rez early development video 1

Rez early development video 1

Jet Grind Radio advert

The history of the Shenmue series

When the hell are you going to link the god-like ‘bittorrent song’?

Hi, I found this clip on Google Video today and I thought it might be weird/awesome/crap/disturbing enough to put on your site.

Nintendo Sixty-FOOOOOOOOOOUR

Japanese Dreamcast Ad. Check out the logos on the thief’s arm… very familiar…

Sega’s SegaSonic The Hedgehog arcade machine – played to completion

The classic MegaDrive ad

An Xmas Segato Sanhiro ad. Or how to mess with the kids minds… poor buggers…

Sega CD promo. Where it all went wrong. Wiggiddy-wack indeed

Segata Bomberman ad. This time he’s blowing shit up. And people

Chu Chu Rocket Japanese ad. Awesome

Sonic CD Japanese ad

The final Segata ad. Just before the launch of the Dreamcast… poor guy…

Promo Dreamcast trailer. “Get a life and get a Dreamcast”. Hell yeah! That worked out well then

..it’s David Dickinson here. Those nice chaps at SONY have asked me to tell you about their new PS3 console which is out in November for only £425! That’s right, only £425. Of course, you’ll have to add a game to that price making it £475 but it’s still Cheap as Chips. Actually, you probably won’t be able to get one in the shops unless you buy it as a SuperMegaPack with three games, two of which you don’t want, but come on, £575 I can see you’re tempted.

And remember Bargain Hunters, it has a Blu-Ray player as standard. I know 99% of you don’t have a HD telly yet and all your films are on normal DVD, but just think what a bargain you’re still getting because Blu-Ray players will be about £600 for at least the first month they are out. I’m sure you’ll agree Bargain Hunters, it’s a real Bobby Dazzler!

Animal Crossing Wild World Museum curator Blathers is a SICK PERVERT who preys upon LOST CHILDREN, according to the findings of an internet blogger.

“Katie” – a young cat who frequently gets lost in one of the game’s wi-fi link-up modes – made the allegations freely and without pressure. The game, sold for CHILDREN on Nintendo’s popular DS system, must surely be withdrawn from sale with immediate effect as a result of these findings.

Tom Nook is also implicated in the filthy child-trade ring. More on this as it breaks.

MORE EVIDENCE HERE:
My Animal Crossing :)

In a 12 minute monologue to camera! “They say it’s portable, but you have to hook it up to your wall to charge it” is his most genius anti-DS argument. Is he trying to become the new, podgy, slightly retarded-looking face of internet video game TV?

Watch it here. He looks like 50 people we know :(

TOMORROW: All the other video game-related Google Video/YouTube videos we’ve been sent over the last month.