Mainstream catalogue retailer Marshall Ward is knocking out this painful piece of mid-1990s-style costumery, for the benefit of grown men with emotional issues for whom Sonic is an escape pod back through time to when it was mum that had to worry about paying the mortgage. This was found by popular late-2000s casual UKR labourer “Phorenzik”. We’re not suggesting he’s that target buyer.
The padded hands are admittedly a masterstroke that give it an extra edge of realism, but nothing else works on any level – not even on the unseen ultraviolet and infrared levels.
It is unsurprisingly (a) still in stock, and (b) made out of polyester.
It has to be made out of polyester, because cotton is too thick and heavy for the speeds Sonic runs at!!!
Marshal Ward thinks buyers may also like Snow White and Robocop, and to be fair, we’ve just briefly had a go at imagining having sex with Snow White while dressed as Robocop and it actually works as a scenario*.
See? There’s easy penis access there between the leg plates, so you wouldn’t have to worry about going flaccid while Snow White’s trying to fight you off.
ROBOCOP/SNOW WHITE POSSIBLE SEX SCENARIO:
You went to a fancy dress party as Robocop, then you and Snow White started chatting and laughing at the retard who came as Sonic and has been sitting there on his own for the last two hours not saying anything to anyone. Then you managed to get her to lose count of how much she had to drink and carried her to the toilet when she thought she was going to be sick but then she WASN’T sick and brief sex happened.
Then she asked you what you name was afterwards, and you looked at her, then triumphantly said “MURPHY!”. But then, the next day, you realised you should’ve given her your real name or your mobile phone number, as there’s no way she’ll be able to contact you and her friends won’t remember there even being anyone called “Murphy” at the party. So you’ll die alone.