This ludicrous internet reveal about who’s NOT going to be in “Project Needlemouse” is quite possibly the most tedious thing SEGA’s done, at least since someone at Sonic Team watched “Pulp Fiction” for the 20th time and decided it would be cool to do a game about a black hedgehog who runs around with a gun.
Just say who it is, then we’ll pretend to be excited, then you send us the game, then we’ll pretend it’s good. The same old MERRY-GO-ROUND OF FALSE PRETENCE.
Final Fantasy XIII, the rubbish interactive CD-ROM game from 1987, is coming to the UK quite soon. People with half-empty bottles of red hair-dye in the bathroom who always look at the floor will be very pleased about this.
Here’s the new trailer in English, made even more painful by now being able to understand the long-winded dialogue.
*HAMMERS ‘START’ BUTTON TO NO AVAIL*
Too much “exposition”. That’s always everyone’s problem. Hopefully this nonsense will be delayed into oblivion as well.
The latest version of real-time tedium simulator Gran Turismo 5 has been delayed again, with its Japanese “March” release now changed to “TBA”. This a mere TWO YEARS after the demo arrived in 2008. Unbelievable incompetence. We are trying to think of a good joke about what TBA might stand for in this context.
Just when you think Sony can’t get any worse this generation, BLAM! – it shoots itself in the groin again, with the bullet unfortunately traveling through the soft, fatty flesh and embedding itself in the knee.
We honestly cannot understand Sony. We should be reviewing Gran Turismo 6: Director’s Cut right now, not hearing that GT5 has been delayed YET AGAIN. Games are not ART, they are BIG BUSINESS.
This man and his inept colleagues at Polyphony are costing Sony money by the day. Not just in spiraling development costs, but in slowing the adoption of PS3 worldwide, meaning there are fewer console owners to buy Sony’s other dull games once they’re bored of his dull game. There is only one answer…
Get Traveller’s Tales in with IMMEDIATE EFFECT! Seriously, Traveller’s Tales could kick Yamauchi’s shit into shape in a couple of months, probably using spare people it’s got earmarked for doing downloadable content for LEGO games. We firmly believe Traveller’s Tales could get GT5 ready in time for an April release.
What should Sony do about GT5?
Or cancel the PS3 version and keep it for a rush-released PS4? We would love it if that happened. Could do with another war to get rid of this troublesome rage.
Yes please. Any kind of paid employment that involves talking to adults and going outside, instead of sitting alone in a cold room pretending to be interested in a wide variety of things, like this, would be good.
It’s been a long, hard winter. The official THING about MP for a Week is here, while the “game” itself is online here.
The first thing you do is answer a KNOWINGLY SELF-AWARE message about violent video games. How ironic and therefore cutting-edge. We don’t know what the second thing you have to do is.
Well, there sort of are, in that Sonic likes collecting “coin-like” gold items, which is a bit like capitalism. Good luck spinning that sole fact out over 10,000 words, Luke. You’d seriously be better off ditching “uni” and going straight into being unemployed and having a blog about games.
He’s being very brave about using semi-colons;
We pity the poor tutor that will have to read through this, pretending it was a worthwhile way to spend three years. Thanks to reader “Paul” for sending this in.
Not sure where they get the “World” bit from in “Darts World Championships”, as it mainly seems to be an in-house competition for a few northern pubs that somehow ended up on the telly. Still, is was great seeing Martin ‘Wolfie’ Adams show young pretender Dave Chisnall how to cope with the pressure cooker atmosphere of the Lakeside Club in yesterday’s final.
Chisnall fell apart on the 10th set, missing some easy check outs that would’ve pulled him level with Adams. It was painful to watch. As was this, from Saturday’s semi:
“Switched on TV to see this. In a mad rush of enthusiasm I actually made the effort to rewind the TV and take a picture with the rubbish iPhone camera. Now the enthusiasm has kind of worn off and I really don’t know why I went to the effort. Maybe you can write something vaguely amusing about it?” – Mark.
We would like to wager TEN POUNDS that the SEGA All-Stars Racing Wii box will claim this innovation “Puts you at the heart of the action like never before”, probably with an exclamation mark and Official Nintendo Magazine’s overly-generous 8/10 review score on a red starburst beside it.
Both will then be covered up by a sticker saying £19.99 then a sticker saying £17.99 then a sticker saying £14.99 then a sticker saying TWO FOR £24.99 then a sticker saying FOR RECYCLING RETURN TO DISTRIBUTOR SUPPLY #34155. They will then re-emerge in the retail chain as Pot Noodle containers.
We don’t want that to happen, it’s just an extrapolation based on previous scenarios where we’ve got excited and have then been let down.
That’s you, literally IN THE ACTION. It takes a special kind of screenshot to reduce us to tears.
“The more logos you put on the box, Mike, the more customers will think the product is of a high quality”.
Does it really need EIGHT logos? Make that NINE logos, once the discount sticker gets put on the thing after 10 days on sale. Nothing sums up Sony’s current-gen MALAISE better than the GT5 debacle.
You know, that thing it does, where it shoves a controller into the hand of a bewildered retirement home inhabitant who’s monged off what’s remaining of their tits on painkillers, then takes a photo whenever they remember a happy anecdote from their childhood years and start to smile.
Look at them. They don’t care. They’re just doing it because nurse said they can have an extra biscuit and get spared from the nightly raping if they do what the nice man with the hair gel and photographer says to do for 10 minutes. FUCKING MODERN GAMES!
What are you going to do for your next console, Nintendo? Put the controller near a dog then take a photo of it wagging its tail as proof of the machine’s accessibility and genre-busting popularity?
Please, bring on the next video gaming crash. We will happily bury the entire sorry industry in a hole with a digger. We’ll even pay for the hire of the digger and the diesel, just tell us where you want the fucking hole.
SKIRMISH UPDATE:
We’ve decided Nintendo is an ENEMY again. We knew the uneasy truce brought about by Animal Crossing Wild World wouldn’t last.
“Please, mum, do not enter my bedroom and recreate an urban myth by putting a cup of tea down beside me while I am masturbating with my headphones on”.
Well done, SEGA. After the recent years spent in the wilderness producing Wii games for literally about 50 people, it would appear you’re finally ON TRACK again with your target demographic. Start selling these for a pound at a market and you might be able to return to that GLORY FINANCIAL QUARTER you once enjoyed in the early 1990s.
