We know about “demographics” and understand that different “people” like different “things”. But there aren’t enough open bracket symbols in the world to do a sad smiley face sad enough to express the deep sadness we feel looking at this.

It’s perfectly OK to review some games by just looking at the box then frisbeeing it unopened into the eBay pile. 2/10.

The worst corporate “presence” on the entire internet is giving up. The enemy has lost its PR mouthpiece. The bad news is, it’s going to be replaced by something else. The good news is, Three Speech is giving up.

“As of April the 17th Three Speech will be bowing out to make way for a brand new and shiny EU PlayStation blog.

“It’s your feedback, comments and suggestions that have made this possible, so you should all be very proud! Obviously both Three Speech and SCE UK are very grateful to everyone who has made this site so busy and lively over the past two and half years. Your input has really helped PlayStation to grow, and the new blog will be a further way for you to contribute ideas. It’s been good fun meeting all of you and we’re looking forward to seeing you on the EU blog!

Yes, you will see us. We’ll be the ones using a rotational system of anonymous usernames based on Babylon 5 characters to say all your games are shit, you’re shit and your readers are all shit. See you soon!

TK Maxx is so old fashioned its internet presence doesn’t let you shop online. If you want one of these you’ll have to go into a branch. You’ll also have to have SHIT LIFESTYLE BRAND “Joystick Junkies” burning a hole into the back of your neck.

This is the fantasy. This is the reality.

“I was just in TK Maxx the other day (does it even have two Xs…?). I wanted a cheap Jacket to take to festivals, managed to get a nice jacket for fifteen quid. Anyway, whilst browsing, I saw a t-shirt on special clearance sale. It says ‘Supersonic’ on it, and “‘1991′. I’m not sure what they were thinking. Unless I am mistaken, the first appearance of Super Sonic in a game was in Sonic 2, which didn’t come out ’til 1992. It is also clearly not Super Sonic, since he’s blue.”

“It apparently originally sold for £30, but is now £9.99. Not sure how long it took to drop in price that much, but if it anything like Sonic games, it’s probably only a few weeks old.”

“‘Limited Edition’ it says. Somehow I don’t think so” – LewieP.

ABOUT JOYSTICK JUNKIES
We used to hate them with PASSION, but now have a grudging admiration for them managing to get their t-shirts distributed via a nationwide chain, even if it is a sub-prime chain and the t-shirts are being heavily discounted.

So it’s entirely “within remit” and “on message” for us to feature a link to an eBay auction where you may purchase one of her bikinis.

100% allowed.

WHEN READERS EXPLAIN THINGS IN MORE DEPTH:
“There’s no picture of the garments themselves, possibly because her publicist wanted to keep her little problem of incontinence on a down low. I thought you might be interested as UK:R has expressed a masturbatory approval motion on Ms. Atkinson many times prior, which has been favourably met by her drooling, wank-hungry readership.

“You need to be an ‘approved buyer’ to bid on this, which presumably means Gemma has stipulated that only rich and promising types may be granted the honour of imbibing the subtle nosegays of her nether regions, and not your average lascivious Sun reading/Ginsters slice consuming/wolf-whistling/Rupert Murdoch trusting lowest common denominator troglodyte.

“If anybody’s interested, I’m selling my own replica models, which are basically just the cheapest bikini from Primark with prawn cocktail crisps rubbed around the gusset and one of those embroidered strip labels you used to have on your PE kit at school inscribed with the name ‘Gemma Atkinson’.

“I’m taking orders now” – Weatherbox.

Eagle-eyed and fur-trousered reader “Link” has supplied the following selection of links to eBay listings of Sonic costumes. There is one clear highlight.

Why put so much effort into the head, then do such a piss-poor job of the shoes? The disused warehouse background is not that evocative, either. And it’s bound to be a man inside.

“Rough the Bat” – aged 47, recently divorced, on the pull in Sheffield.

Amy: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=270343703303

Blaze: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=270345494207

Cream: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=270345494230

Espio: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=270345494255

Jet: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=270345494343

Knuckles: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=270345494458

Mighty: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=270345494483

Rouge: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=270344438722

Shadow: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=270342652997

Silver: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=270343704771

Sonic: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=270366935870

Sonic (kid costume): http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=270349778722

Tails: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=270343668986

SEGA Vision media player thing spotted in the wilds of a Basildon arcade. Reader failed to win one, due to the inherently unfair nature of the UFO catcher business model.

“I spotted these SEGA goodies inside a SEGA UFO toy grab machine in an arcade in Basildon. I did try to win one of these but like all UFO machines it was too hard.”

“So I went of and played the Guitar Hero machine instead and beat a random stranger at ‘Bull on Parade’ by Rage Against the Machine. A pointless story I know, but it does have SEGA in!” – Simon.

Click on this. It says it’s an April Fool at the end, but the journey is most enjoyable.

Here’s something for any readers under the age of 30 we may have accidentally accrued. Just click on this link and press play, basically.

THE EXPLANATION OF WHAT IT IS MEANT TO BE
“There’s this thing on the internet called the Donk DJ. It basically turns any song into an unlistenable piece of shit.

“Some brave soul decided to upload ‘Can You Feel The Sunshine’ and have it, erm, ‘donked’. The result is ambiguous, to say the least.

“Thought you should hear this because it made me laugh hysterically for 10 minutes. I also uploaded Black Cat Moon. Also if this manages to make the front page, I have attached a 3000 x 2250 JPEG image of a viral Dreamcast marketing scheme I found on Google” – Alex.

Reader, t-shirt owner, news-supplier and all-round solid chap “Chris” realised – to his JOY – that his spectacles have the Dreamcast logo etched onto the bit that goes behind your ears. The ear clasp. The ear holder. The ear hook. The safety lever. The head attachment spoke. Whatever it’s called.

This is such good news it can’t wait until April’s spiral round-up and MUST be given the publicity it deserves. Especially as Chris wrote lots of words, making this look like an update we spent 20 minutes on rather than five.

You might need to turn the contrast on your screen up a bit.

“I was cleaning my glasses the other night and, even though I’ve worn them for about five months, noticed for the first time that they have little Dreamcast logos on them. This instantly makes my glasses Cool As Fuck(TM) and means I can see in Segavision.”

“I’ve taken a photo of them on top of a dictionary. It’s not my dictionary but at least it proves I have at least one friend who knows how to spell words. It also gives a fantastic sense of scale: in this case, proving that these Dreamglasses are roughly the same size as a ‘normal’ pair of human glasses.”

“I shouldn’t be sharing this secret because I want the power all to myself, but the glasses were made by i-spax, who are German, and the product code, handily written on the glasses themselves, is JACOB-52/17-col.7 so if anyone wants a pair they should thrust that information in their optician’s scab-encrusted face and demand he orders them before he gets raped in a way he couldn’t possibly have imagined when he rode to work that morning on his pathetically underpowered bicycle.”

“I have also attached an image of a Sonic toy that I got from a capsule machine at a service station, who is pictured thumbing that cunt from Little Big Planet up the arse. Cheers” – Chris.

Today, we shall try to get away with doing 20 words and embedding a YouTube video as the only update.