We are moving to Venezuela, or at least going to try and locate a bulletproof web server based in the glorious South American socialist republic.

We’re also hearing rumours today that Silvio Berlusconi had a go on Carla’s Wii and thought it was a bit rubbish and couldn’t see the attraction. More on that as it breaks throughout the day. Thanks to comment-leaver “Trilby” for the link.

This ludicrous internet reveal about who’s NOT going to be in “Project Needlemouse” is quite possibly the most tedious thing SEGA’s done, at least since someone at Sonic Team watched “Pulp Fiction” for the 20th time and decided it would be cool to do a game about a black hedgehog who runs around with a gun.

Just say who it is, then we’ll pretend to be excited, then you send us the game, then we’ll pretend it’s good. The same old MERRY-GO-ROUND OF FALSE PRETENCE.

Final Fantasy XIII, the rubbish interactive CD-ROM game from 1987, is coming to the UK quite soon. People with half-empty bottles of red hair-dye in the bathroom who always look at the floor will be very pleased about this.

Here’s the new trailer in English, made even more painful by now being able to understand the long-winded dialogue.

*HAMMERS ‘START’ BUTTON TO NO AVAIL*

Too much “exposition”. That’s always everyone’s problem. Hopefully this nonsense will be delayed into oblivion as well.

The latest version of real-time tedium simulator Gran Turismo 5 has been delayed again, with its Japanese “March” release now changed to “TBA”. This a mere TWO YEARS after the demo arrived in 2008. Unbelievable incompetence. We are trying to think of a good joke about what TBA might stand for in this context.

Just when you think Sony can’t get any worse this generation, BLAM! – it shoots itself in the groin again, with the bullet unfortunately traveling through the soft, fatty flesh and embedding itself in the knee.

We honestly cannot understand Sony. We should be reviewing Gran Turismo 6: Director’s Cut right now, not hearing that GT5 has been delayed YET AGAIN. Games are not ART, they are BIG BUSINESS.

This man and his inept colleagues at Polyphony are costing Sony money by the day. Not just in spiraling development costs, but in slowing the adoption of PS3 worldwide, meaning there are fewer console owners to buy Sony’s other dull games once they’re bored of his dull game. There is only one answer…

Get Traveller’s Tales in with IMMEDIATE EFFECT! Seriously, Traveller’s Tales could kick Yamauchi’s shit into shape in a couple of months, probably using spare people it’s got earmarked for doing downloadable content for LEGO games. We firmly believe Traveller’s Tales could get GT5 ready in time for an April release.

What should Sony do about GT5?

Or cancel the PS3 version and keep it for a rush-released PS4? We would love it if that happened. Could do with another war to get rid of this troublesome rage.

Not sure where they get the “World” bit from in “Darts World Championships”, as it mainly seems to be an in-house competition for a few northern pubs that somehow ended up on the telly. Still, is was great seeing Martin ‘Wolfie’ Adams show young pretender Dave Chisnall how to cope with the pressure cooker atmosphere of the Lakeside Club in yesterday’s final.

Chisnall fell apart on the 10th set, missing some easy check outs that would’ve pulled him level with Adams. It was painful to watch. As was this, from Saturday’s semi:

“Switched on TV to see this. In a mad rush of enthusiasm I actually made the effort to rewind the TV and take a picture with the rubbish iPhone camera. Now the enthusiasm has kind of worn off and I really don’t know why I went to the effort. Maybe you can write something vaguely amusing about it?” – Mark.

“The more logos you put on the box, Mike, the more customers will think the product is of a high quality”.

Does it really need EIGHT logos? Make that NINE logos, once the discount sticker gets put on the thing after 10 days on sale. Nothing sums up Sony’s current-gen MALAISE better than the GT5 debacle.

Finally, someone has made the connection between being a mentalist and thinking that Nintendo’s Wii is a valid form of gaming entertainment.

Behold the amazing caption “Yorkshire Ripper … bowling fun”:

From The Sun. Via Eurogamer. We suspect the Sun’s “source” has been spending a bit too long playing Murderer Happy Families.

Is the maker attempting to create something ironically bad? Something so bad it gets laughed at all over the internet and becomes a must-have among ironic classes and he, therefore, becomes rich enough not to care?

It’s not even BIG. If it was BIG you might at least feel like you’re getting your money’s worth. And RED TEETH? Has Sonic been FEASTING?

It’s not bad for five dollars, plus four dollars shipping, mind. We’ve imported worse Sonic-branded rubbish for more than that in the past. Spotted at online tat portal Etsy by a reader that’s probably a woman.

DESCRIPTION:
“This painting is acrylic paint on a 3″ by 3” canvas on a frame. It is my design of a Sonic the Hedgehog from the Sega video games. Sonic is all about speed and nothing else. This painting is one of a kind. There will be no copies of this paintin available. I am always making more creature paintings all with different monsters and creatures doing different things.

“Will look good on any wall space or because of its size just hanging out in any nook or cranny of your place of residence. Enjoy its creepy colors when you look at this creature from out of this world.

“SEGA!”

Is it OK with everyone if we turn this site into a site that looks at things on Etsy for a few weeks?

The UK Christmas games chart. Very depressing. There’s nothing in here that makes us want to remember where the charger cable for anything is. It’s the same games as last year only in marginally redesigned boxes.

Games are pretty much dead. Sooner or later someone important’s going to realise this and say something in public, and there’s going to be HELL to pay.

1: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
2: FIFA 10
3: Wii Fit Plus
4: Wii Sports Resort
5: Assassin’s Creed II
6: Mario & Sonic At The Winter Olympic Games
7: New Super Mario Bros. Wii
8: Forza Motorsport 3
9: Mario Kart Wii
10: Just Dance

The only vaguely different game in there is, ironically, from Ubisoft, in the form of Just Dance.

Ubisoft, champion of originality – THAT’S how far we have fallen.

OK, so it was only on a modern derivative of Channel Five so hardly counts as proper telly, but still. Two hours of men presenting awards to other men and categories like “Best Voice” hardly make for a riveting evening, or convince us that games are any better at being mainstream entertainment than they were 20 years ago.

But we stuck with it for 40 minutes to enjoy the specialist footwear.