Sony has now said that Gran Turismo Mobile won’t appear until 2009. That’s the game it sent out box art, disc art and fake screenshots for back in May of 2004, designed to lie to people about the capabilities and software catalogue of its PlayStation Portable.

And we’ve just noticed those are a woman’s hands.

With every passing day, this lie sets a new record for ‘Biggest Lie’. It is unlikely it will be beaten within our life times.

It also wins Longest Running Lie, Biggest Joke, Most Desperate Statement and Most Ominous Portent of The Shape of Things to Come.

It is the Bob Beamon Mexico City 1968 of lies. This lie will stand triumphant for at least 30 years.

“I don’t think we’ll be able to make the end of this year for the PSP version” – Kazunori Yamauchi, Polyphony Digital, April 2008.

This is rapidly becoming our favourite type of update. It’s just a thing that looks a bit like another thing. It requires no thought, just a bit of looking at to decided if the thing really does look like the thing it’s supposed to.

In this case, it does. It really is a bridge that looks like a Space Invader.

“Right, lets get to it, I found a bridge that sort of looks like a Space Invader. I thought it was a Gadget with a Face but then realised that it wasn’t, so sent it to UK Resistance instead because a Bridge isn’t exactly an idiot toy. Obviously, feel free to ignore my e-mail and insert it roughly into your recycle bin. By the way, I didn’t take this picture with a super-dooper DSLR camera – I simply nicked it off Flickr. Thanks, CHRIS.”

Got sent this. Have reported sender to police for harassment.

“Hey there. I drew this a long time ago when I was sick and Phil’s life still mattered to some people. I was going to ask that you use this instead whenever something dumb he had to say was to be featured on your site, but I guess I figured I’d never see him there again now that he’s over at Atari, no doubt heading up the addition of motion controls in time for the 2600’s re-release. But, like a bad penny, he just keeps turning up – Dan.”

Someone else has one. And it hasn’t leaked over everything! And he’s got a decent camera and knows how to use it.

“Hey, just got in from work and saw your blog on the SEGA MEGA POWER battery. I remembered having one in my drawer and it was still there, so it was! I got it a couple years ago as it was hiding inside the battery compartment of a Multi Mega I got off eBay.”

“I have since sold the old Multi Mega but held onto the battery as I didn’t want to part with it! So here are a couple pretentiously arty photos of it! Where’s my tenner? – Euan.”

THE WHEREABOUTS OF THE TENNER
The tenner is for an actual battery, not just a photograph. You have to part with it. You still in? We’re still in.

Someone who has a set emailed a photo. They are slightly worse for wear. We still want some, just not these particular ones. Anyone with a set that hasn’t suffered a severe negative end prolapse please get in touch.

“In sheer SEGA collecting lunacy I bought a pack of these things back in 2005 or 6. They came in a blister which I opened to take them out to see if they still worked (and to take pictures of them, naturally). Two of them weren’t corroded and worked fine. They should be in my Game Gear, actually.

“I thought about sending you these pictures when you did the update how SEGA batteries would complete your life but thought they weren’t that big a deal (oh how wrong I was). Guess I’ll send you that picture of a SEGA g-string that was sold on Yahoo Auctions after all..

“Anyway, here’s a picture as of today. Complete with all the ‘white crumbly stuff’ that came out and was spread all over my dining table (and which should do a fine job rendering me impotent). However, taking pictures of fifteen year old obscure SEGA merchandise at 2 AM makes you wonder if that’s such a bad thing… Ivan.”

We have made it to the big 20 without ruining anything. This calls for a celebration. Right, that was fun. On with the business of generating organic traffic growth via a series of cross-brand links.

This thing about Geometry Wars 2, which along with Ninja Gaiden II, is the only thing stopping us putting all our game consoles on eBay or a fire and just giving up.

This thing about IOC member Kevan Gosper being able to change his Facebook status from “is watching the ladies pole vault” to “is watching the diving” while in Beijing this summer.

This thing about phones.

This thing about having your dead self sent to the moon.

This thing about women touching each others’ faces like buttons, because you can’t not use pictures like this when they come along:

5/10. Which isn’t a bad thing – 5/10 is average.

SEGA MEGA POWER batteries! Please alert all corners of the internet. We must have these. Dead or alive. Corroded or as-new. Cash waiting. As much cash as you want. Even sex. Any kind of sex. Our ear holes are your ear holes. Jizz on our feet. ANYTHING.

“These could have been the sole batteries to bring the energy life of the Game Gear in line with that of the Game Boy and thus win the handheld battle and change the history of SEGA.”

“Who knows, it could have led to complete domination and we’d be sat here playing Dreamcast 2 by now. Unfortunately, it appears as though they were made for SEGA by Sony, so I imagine they tended to explode and production was ceased. Shame. Cheers, Brynaldo.”

CASH WAITING
Seriously. Mail in if you have some and there’s a tenner in it for you.

UPDATE:
The Germans got them as well.

More host countries to source originals in!

Sony’s SIXAXIS controller is dead. It failed. It didn’t work. No one liked using it. PS3’s few decent games were ruined by having abysmal motion control sections shoved into them at the last minute by uncaring developers who knew themselves it was a shite idea.

SIXAXIS levels were the equivalent of the early 1990s trend of putting an awkward rap into every song. What Sony needs to do now is admit PS3 is a disaster, then announce a £149.99 PlayStation4 in time for Christmas with some actual games for it.

“I think that the next generation interfaces that can be created built on Sixaxis motion sensitivity give tremendous gameplay benefits that far outweigh a reactive vibration function. The decision that we’ve made to build in the Sixaxis functionality, and Bluetooth wireless, and great battery life, and all the other functionality that comes with it, far outweighs the chatter that we’re getting on vibration. And, it’s incredibly light! Just pick it up!” Phil Harrison, Sony, October 2006.

Here’s a toner cartridge that looks like a video game shotgun. It even has an official designation that sounds like a video game shotgun – the Canon C-EXV8. If we remember correctly, that’s the precise model that Chip Cockloader used in Generic Corridor SpaceDeaths II. No, wait, Generic Corridor SpaceDeaths III. The one that was set on Earth.

“I was going to send this to Idiot Toys but I couldn’t be bothered finding the email address. I was going to write something humorous about killing my colleagues, too, but time constraints played a part in this rushed email. BEHOLD… A printer cartridge that looks like a shotgun. Not an actual shotgun – I’d say a video game shotgun. Like Halo 3 shotguns. God that game was shite. How did it get those scores? I’d taken it back with in a couple weeks – I would have given it a 6/10. Call of Duty 4 is far the better game. Anyway. Shotgun! – James.”

STAR READER James also bravely submitted a mobile phone video of himself standing in the company store room and “pumping da hammer.” Exemplary submission, James.

Why do we love Tekken so much? Well, we interviewed ourselves to find out why.

After we got hold of some delicious, illegal drugs, heretofore referred to as “hanky-panky”, we shortly realized that Tekken is THE BEST SERIES EVER and we really love it. Yes, we do! We met ourselves in an Econo Lodge off a dimly-lit dirt road to find out why:

Us: Hello. That is a nice tie you have on there.

Us: Thanks. We found it in a trashcan outside Subway. We were lucky enough to get our delicious meatball sub AND a snazzy tie!

Us: Is that so?

Us: Yes. We cannot afford proper clothes. We have a deep fondness for Maddog 20/20 and Thunderbird, and of course, the “hanky-panky”. *Winks at us* Can’t get enough of that Thunderbird!

Us: So, ourselves, WHY do you love Tekken so much? Are you secretly working for Kutaragi?

Us: Why yes, of course.

Us: Really?

Us: No, we lie, because we have an addiction to cheap fortified wine. *Drinks more Thunderbird*

Us: Certainly there must be SOME reason why you love it so much. The graphics? The music? The fact that it’s always been PlayStation exclusive?

Us: Yes to all! Virtua Fighter is t3h sUxoRZ! ^o^

Us: Wow. We sure admire your enthusiasm. So how long have we been a PS3 owner?

Us: Why, since launch day! And we also use the DualShock 3 as a sex toy.

Us: Speaking of sex… We’ve always been… smitten for ourselves…

Us: Yes indeed…we have… and we can’t hold back our feelings any longer…

Us: Oh…

Us: Oh..!

Us: Oh yes…

Us: Oh yes…!

Us: Oh yes!

Us: OH YES!!

Us: Oh…oh…oh yes! OH YES! OH YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE SPLOOGE

And that’s why we love Tekken so much.