We got an email. It was nicely written, about no one buying PS3 and included an accompanying image.

This is the accompanying image:

It shows PS3 languishing in 93rd place on Amazon’s sales chart. We probably don’t need to once again point out this is because it’s shit and too much money.

THE EMAIL
Thought you might be amused to see that the PS3 is currently placed at number 93 in Amazon US’s top-selling Video Games list thingy, meaning that outselling it in 90th is Crazy Machines: The Wacky Contraptions Game on the PC and Mac, by the fine people at Viva Media.

Apparently “Crazy Machines gives you the chance to build your own unique contraptions. Solve more than 200 challenging puzzles, and put your machines to work”. I must admit, my slacks did begin to bulge somewhat while copying and pasting that, and already I’m more excited about Crazy Machines: The Wacky Contraptions Game than I am about that PS3 thing.

Other items currently selling more than the PS3 include:

– Cooking Mama on DS
– Karaoke Revolution Party on PS2
– Game Boy Advance SP Pearl Blue (yes, a GBA)
– Mario Kart Double Dash on GameCube (yes, a game on a “dead” console)
– Final Fantasy VIII on PSone (yes, PSone)
– Brain Training on DS (even though everyone has it now)

It would also appear that the window Lee Harvey Oswald allegedly leant from when
allegedly shooting JFK was also sold on eBay but the offer was then withdrawn:

http://www.nbc5i.com/news/11047996/detail.html

…but the fact that someone at some point offered money for it means that it’s technically sold more than the PS3 as well. And I bought a copy of Joe Montana’s Sports Talk Football 93 on the Mega Drive for £1.99 out of Gamestation the other day, so I reckon that means it’s now selling more than the PS3 too.

EMAIL REVIEW
This was a great email. The only ‘downer’ is that the accompanying image was a 150k jpeg, which is a bit big so needed resizing. For future reference, web pages are best screen capped, then cropped to 500 pixels wide, then exported as a gif from a pirated version of Photoshop. Had that been done this email would’ve got 10/10. 9/10.

That’s good news, isn’t it? It means Sony’s getting a large number of units into the retail supply chain. It certainly DOES NOT mean no one’s buying PS3 because it’s a big piece of overpriced shit with a load of broken, year-old games.

Amazon also has some (oh, only about a million) left as well, which it is selling for an amazing saving of 1p. That really puts PS3 within reach of the average consumer!

In other REALLY VERY STUPID PS3 NEWS today, GAME has decided to only sell you a PS3 if you also want to buy three games with it and spend over 550 quid. We can confidently predict that LITERALLY NOBODY will want to do that.

It’s almost as if they don’t want to sell any. Which is handy, as they won’t.

FAO SONY: OUR TERMS FOR SURRENDER
Dear Sony, we will stop mentioning PS3 if you can arrange to have ten boxed PAL PS3 consoles and ten collections of the entire launch line-up (all first and third party games plus peripherals) shipped to our home for selling on Ebay in time for launch day.

The number of PS3s we require will go up by one each day before our terms are met. No negotiations will be entered into. You have 24 hours before we need eleven.

So yesterday, popular European discount etailer Play.com sent out a press release to the world about its PS3 pre-ordering campaign. It boasted it would be able to fulfill all of its PS3 pre-orders and that it’d be taking pre-orders until its stock is taken.

Today, it still has PS3s for sale. It will be able to fulfill its pre-orders because it clearly hasn’t taken more than three, despite telling everyone it had “overwhelming numbers” of orders. That was just a lie then, in keeping with the general lie-about-everything PS3 grand scheme.

Whoops. Maybe it’s the ridiculous bundle, maybe it’s that one of the bundled games is Genji, or maybe it’s no one caring about Sony’s over-priced and unwanted “HD” shitbox. BRING ON MARCH 23. WE ARE NOT AFRAID ANY MORE.

WITH THANKS TO KEVIN
With thanks to Kevin, who sent us the following quite entertaining email last night pointing all this out:

So when I bought a Wii it involved rapidly refreshing amazon.co.uk at 9am and using my uni’s huge bandwith to press f5 fast enough to bring a lady elephant to orgasm before they all sold out.

Play.com’s been selling their launch allocation of PS3s and are stopping when they run out. I first checked at 12:30pm and as of now (9:30pm) they’re still in stock.

Ho ho.

Yes it is, isn’t it?

More shameful “proper TV” reporting on video games, this time from the BBC’s Watchdog. Look out for the Welsh man who paid “280 pound” for his.

And the 2007 award for Most Blatant Copy of Nintendogs goes to…

*Fumbles with envelope*

Eidos! For it’s horse-petting game Pony Friends! Well done to everyone involved, even if you might be too ashamed to admit actually being involved.

HOW THEY EXPLAIN THEMSELVES:

Saddle up with PONY FRIENDS

The new Nintendo DS title from Eidos

Eidos interactive, one of the worlds leading publishers and developers of entertainment software, is pleased to announce PONY FRIENDS, a virtual pet game designed exclusively for the Nintendo DS and developed by Australian based Tantalus, will be available in the UK in 2007.

Fill your stables with a choice of 6 real life pony breeds or customise your own. Personalise your pony by choosing its favourite colour and food and then take part in events throughout the calendar year. Immerse yourself in caring and grooming your pony or undertake surprise challenges from a cast of characters. Personalise your pony’s mane, tail colours or accessories with a wide variety of saddles, shoes, blankets and bridles to choose from.

“PONY FRIENDS is a very exciting project for Eidos. We’re fulfilling every child’s dream by giving them their very own portable pony. Players will have so much to occupy their time with from caring for and grooming their ponies and snapping photos whilst riding picturesque country trails to teaching their pony new tricks and entering them into a variety of competitions.” Said Helen Clark, Brand Manager Eidos.

Use the DS stylus to perform a huge range of varied actions; including cleaning stones and shells out your pony’s hooves, brushing its mane or designing a unique saddle blanket. Daily play will ensure that your pony is the prettiest, healthiest, fastest, most talented, and best pony, scooping you first prize in the prestigious ‘perfect pony competition’.

Once again we have confirmed ourselves as the number one conduit for the weirdos of the world:

“Hi UKR. I wasn’t allowed to dye my dog blue but I did get away with sticking SEGA tattoos on her. I think you’ll agree, they’re better than Stuart’s dog. My dog looks happy to be wearing SEGA things and even sat still while I was putting them on. And she has her tongue out and is offering a paw.

“The only bit of skin was on her belly which is a bit close to her vagina. Sorry about that. I tried to get pictures of not her vagina that much, but it’s still clearly visible. I’ll see what I can do to my cat next. And I’ll still try and dye the dog blue one day! Gretta.”

Tomorrow we expect nothing less than photos of a cow’s brain smeared over a road in a vague approximation of the SEGA logo.

Anything but dog vaginas, please.

We’ve just been sent a copy of Sexy Sudoku which attempts to liven up the dull organising-numbers-for-businessmen-on-trains quiz by including photos of naked women.

About once every six months we ask someone to explain the rules of Sudoku. Then we forget again. It’s something like “all the numbers have to add up to 12” or maybe “make all the boxes add up to the same number”.

The rules of Sudoku are something we will never need to know so we don’t bother remembering. Like maths or what girls like to talk about.

We’ll have a novice puzzle, please, seeing as what we think the rules are aren’t actually the rules, so we’ll be here for a very long time otherwise.

You get to see more naked women for solving puzzles without clues. What the maker has done is taken an existing thing, then added a clever incentive system. Imagine if Xbox Live handed out naked photos of girls instead of stupid ‘points’! It’d be huge.

The nudity is quite nude. They are naked, akimbo in some photos, but not holding themselves open or having a bit of someone else going in them. It is the sort of nudity that was considered RED HOT before the internet, but now is acceptable on children’s TV.

It’s taken 21 minutes to get this far on novice, thanks to it letting you just press numbers and telling you when you’re wrong (RED NUMBER) and when you’re right (GREEN NUMBER). God knows how people do this in their heads.

We solved it! She’s impressed, although she probably thought this photo shoot was going to be used in Razzle.

Ten naked girls to unlock. Just like in our basement.

But all the images are stored in a folder as JPEGs, so you can just scroll through them. This ruins the fun and suspense. If only Carol Vorderman’s Sudoku offered a similar amount of gratuitous nudity. 7/10.

IDEAS FOR MORE ‘SEXY’ GAMES

SEXY MONKEY BALL: 100 bananas = banana goes in mouth

SEXY MONKEY BALL: 1000 bananas = banana goes in bottom

SEXY SONIC: 100 rings = item of Cream’s clothing comes off

SEXY SONIC: 1000 rings = Cream loses all inhibitions after eating one of those mushrooms in the background and you have 15 minutes with her limp body before she realises what’s happening.

This is an old story but we’ve just thought up that headline which we’re proud of. It’s to do with HMV thinking people might like to buy two shit Sony consoles at the same time, then, amazingly, deciding that perhaps they don’t after all.

That’s what’s known as an embarrassing public climbdown in the face of massive disinterest, because you’ve overestimated how stupid the average UK consumer is.

That’s all. Today’s proper update will be along in half an hour. It’s to do with ‘Sexy Sudoku’ and is much better than this one which only took 10 minutes and is what we refer to internally as ‘a gonzo filler’.

IN THE MEAN TIME
If you have any ideas for what we can do to disrupt HMV’s midnight opening PS3 launch, please let us know. We’re currently thinking of handing out leaflets to queueing customers letting them know how much they’re being ripped off.

This is Stuart’s dog and Sonic hat. These photos arrived less than six hours after yesterday’s initial appeal. He clearly already had a dog to hand. You could never grow a dog in six hours.

Hopefully when we ask women to send in photos of their tits with “I LOVE UKR” written over them in fake blood like they’ve cut it into themselves the results will be equally swift and compliant.

A great photo, but the dog should’ve been roused to a sitting position, by offering a treat or a pat or saying that it’s din-dins or walkies time. It’s not really joining in. It should also be giving a paw for a bonus. Still, it’s a nice doggy. Oh yes it is. Oh yes you are. Oh yessy yessy doggy doggy. Good boy. GOOD BOY.

Still, it’s a photo of a dog wearing a Sonic The Hedgehog hat. It’s definitely an internet first. And probably also a last.

He even made his cat join in. This looks quite cruel.

BEHIND THE SCENES ‘MAKING OF’ COMMENTARY FROM STUART:
“The dog is called Blue, and my cat is actually called Sonic (I named him after the good Sonic games, and not the wank ones of late). I’m sure you’ll agree that the dog pictures are vastly overshadowed by the ones of the cat. The cat fucking hated wearing the hat, and he almost shat himself every time I put it on him. Lucky for him I managed to get the required shots well within 4 hours.”

Of course it could just be Sonic wearing a cat costume on his lower body.

Stupid cat. Cats are so stupid they can’t even get things off their heads.

A man has spotted a “Sonic hat” in the window of Forbidden Planet in Aberdeen. If you hurry it might still be there. We expect a fierce bidding war to break out, along with a scuffle that ends up on the local news.

All we ask for in bringing you this information is that the successful buyer sends us a photo of the Sonic hat on a dog’s head. Sunglasses optional.

“Hi, I found this Sonic hat in the window of Forbidden Planet in Aberdeen. I thought you might like it so i took a picture. Unfortunately I do not deal in ‘Credits’ of any sort, so I could not ask how much it was or which Orc the owner bought it off. It also appears that the hat would go over your eyes, possibly giving you some kind of Sonic vision!”