There is no such thing as a good show about videogames and there never will be. Here is the latest evidence.

They haven’t even got tits. FAIL.

Like fuck it will! But desperate Sony PR minions are keen to get some positive stories into the media to quell the growing anti-Sony feeling (which hasn’t all been down to us this time round either). Everyone now seems to realise it’s great to hate Sony! We paved the way of course and now people are starting to cotton on. Our years of pissing in the wind were not in vain. Just remember kids; PS3 is ridiculously overpriced (especially in the UK) not as powerful as they said it would be, and Sony are evil racists.

This exciting idea for an update started about two months ago, when a man said he’d seen the word “SEGA” sprayed on a wall beside a railway line somewhere in Essex.

He said he’d take us a photo. Usually people say they’ll do things like that but never bother, so we forgot about it and thought he’d never bother. But he bothered!

Then, just when we’d forgotten about it, someone else sent us the below collection of links to photos of other SEGA graffiti spotted around the world. So we got a proper update that Kotaku will probably steal and link to, and all we had to do was resize a few photos. Thanks everyone!

The graffiti-spotter also found a hi-res version of the Sonic anti-fascism logo, for all you Sonic/SEGA fans who may be attending anti-fascism rallies at some point in the future.

A ‘SHOUT OUT’ TO WHERE THEY ALL CAME FROM:

Here

Here

Here

Here

And from someone’s Flickr account here

Maybe if all the locations of the photos are plotted on a world map a clue appears as to SEGA’s return to the hardware market! It could be Dreamcast 2 viral marketing!!

Just Google “huge cocks” and another viral Wii joke to post on forums will be yours in seconds.

Dear Nintendo, if we can have the one on the left for 20 minutes or the one on the right for 30 minutes we’ll give the entire Wii launch line-up 10/10. Thanks.

London, UK, August 22

:(

This is all we’re ever doing on it.

SONIC RIVALS FAN FICTION

Blah, blah, blah.

Then, everyone involved in making it got the sack.

The End.

And incredibly, you earn this respect by performing tasks for gang bosses and winning races. In a further refreshing twist, the money you earn may then be spent on modifying your car.

This is the press release for mobile Saint’s Row. We’d rather work in a meat factory that processes pig anuses into sausages, picking out the lumps of gristle from the raw pig anuses for 25p a week than have to write press releases like this as a job:

If you work for THQ or any other company that regularly writes words like ‘respect’, ‘notoriety’ and ‘gangsta’ up on its meeting room whiteboard, we’re here to help. Our confidential 24-hour helpline is waiting for your call.

IN OTHER AMAZINGLY DEPRESSING AND FRANKLY UNBELIEVABLE MOBILE PHONE GAME NEWS:
They’ve made a game about Bob Marley.

It was a good day for emails. We got two about sex drugs, two MySpace friend requests (more bloody men) and an amazing FIVE containing weird SEGA-related photographs.

Here they are all at once, as the harsh truth is that none are quite good enough to make it into individual updates. But together they are stronger.

This is the ‘Sonic and Tails Spinner’. We have no idea what it is or how it’s supposed to be a game. Here’s what the photographer had to say about it:

“The spinner was made Sonic Adventure era as there’s a picture of the robot with the bird what’s inside of him on the right of the base. I’d lost interest by then though and some 7 year olds were watching me with a view to steal my phone, so I didn’t get a picture. Note how Sonic appears to be either bumming or fisting tails. Maybe that’s why it broke? The worst part is it’s about 5 minutes away from where I work and will no doubt be in there on payday, spunking money away like there’s no tomorrow.“

This is an anti-nazi parade and they have an actual Sonic banner made up. Sonic stands for freedom!

“I found this picture in an article about the protest of a German anti-fascistic rganisation called ‘Antifa’. They were protesting against the fact that neo-nazis want to buy the untenanted hotel shown in this picture to establish a nazi meeting point there. I don’t know why they painted Sonic on their banner.“

Sticking with the German-language territories, this is the SEGABAR. We presume it’s a bar – the only information the sender provided was that it’s “probably the roughest fleshpot in Salzburg”. We always knew that if SEGA did fleshpots in Salzburg, they’d probably be the roughest fleshpots in Salzburg.

It’s an exciting cardboard box! It appears to be a SEGA Mark III box of games box. The sender seemed very excited about having it in his possession.

SEGA World Shanghai.

“I was in a large shopping centre in Xu Jia Hui Shanghai and noticed a rather large ‘Sega World’ logo on top of a machine as I went up the escalator. It looked rather dirty so I figured it was some throw-back machine from the early 90s. Upon further investigation I discovered a fully functioning Sega World, complete with OutRun2, House of the Dead and a whole load of other things. The people were loving it. Despite the lack of interest in OutRun2 the other games were getting a lot of play time. It must be one of the only places in Shanghai where you can play games legitimately without them being copies…“

It’s a box that says Sonic on it that someone thought we’d like to see. They took the photo on holiday and probably wish they’d saved the money and stayed at home watching telly if this was the highlight of the trip.

There’s no way Kotaku is going to link to this :(

Maybe if it was an official SEGA cardboard box we’d be a bit more enthusiastic.

SOME FAN FICTION ABOUT A CARDBOARD BOX

THE BOX OF JOY
By Michael Zorg

Who’s this in this box? Why, it’s Cream The Rabbit!

“Hello, big strong man. Do you want to get into the box with me?”

“Yes”

“I’m naked apart from my little orange shoes”

“Good”

We get in the box and a workman comes along, tapes up the box and puts it in a truck. The truck drives to Monaco and the journey goes really quickly because we’re having sex all the time.

In Monaco there’s a big house there which we’re allowed to have for free and live in together forever with no one else ever talking to us. It’s got satellite TV with all the sport and porn channels, and no internet or telephone.

The end.

We’ve been doing Employee of the Week on and mostly off for eight years, but have only managed to do 131 of them. Sorry about that. We’ll make practically zero effort to get back on track.

IGN has launched its UK operation, using the blandest, most predictable and generic attempt at “British speak” we’ve ever seen. They’re trying to be ‘zany’ by inventing new words for the internet, like ‘worldwide Intertube’ :(

It’s also doing ‘funny’ captions that are placed beneath ‘amusing’ images like we do only without our unrealistic wage demands. This is because they’re British, and British people are funny and wacky! All of them! Literally everything a British person ever says is funny, as you can see from the above attempt at British Speak that was obviously written by an American.

IGN UK’S MOST PATRONISING LOWLIGHTS:

“That’s right — IGN has moved across the Atlantic and opened an office in olde Londontowne”

“IGN’s US and UK staff will form an invincible gaming Voltron hell-bent on defeating Robeasts throughout the galaxy”

“We’ll also provide some UK reviews to give a second opinion on many games that appeal to a more European audience, such as rally racing and soccer titles”

“Expect the use of words such as “colour,” “blimey” and “wanker” in those articles”

The full English cliche-fest is here: IGN: Introducing IGN UK. It makes Gamesradar look good. We’re looking forward to this new era of British craziness — it’ll be like Monty Python but about games! And more about creaming off UK ad revenue.