We’ve counted seven so far :(

1) Old men in suits working at SEGA. 2) Sonic’s left eye is on upside-down. 3) Sonic’s left shoulder is on wrong. 4) Sonic’s nose is coming off. 5) Sonic’s head and face in general. 6) Sonic’s arms should be the same colour as his belly. 7) Carpet and wall indicates photo was taken in a bland office, not on Mobius.

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In America, at least, where it would appear they’ve now caught up with the jokes we were making in the late 1970s.

Modern ‘pads’ are much more dependent on thumbs than wrists. In fact, it’s pretty much nothing to do with the wrist at all these days – unless you’re a fat 45-year-old marketing man with no new ideas for weak sexual innuendo to sell your tat to some idiots.

JOKES AMERICA STILL HAS TO COME

“Push my buttons” – sounds a bit like turning a woman on

“Let me go on top” – split-screen gaming phrase that sounds a bit like a sexual position

“Waggle my stick” – by ‘stick’ they might actually mean ‘cock’ and by ‘waggle’ they might mean ‘masturbate’ or ‘rub’ even though no one uses sticks any more

“You came up my arse” – driving game reference that could also possibly also infer anal sex

“Let’s take turns” – possible roasting/group sex multiplayer misunderstanding with hilarious and/or sexual harassment in the workplace consequences.

“There’s a party in my pocket” – your new handheld gaming device is as much fun as having a wank

Just when you thought you couldn’t get more bored of our incredibly dull series of updates about closed SEGA Worlds, a man goes and sends us a photograph of the carpet in SEGA World Southampton.

Who would’ve thought that one day we’d become the sort of web site that uploads photographs of carpets like it’s news?

It’s an ideal carpet for lying down on in the dark, as when you roll over to sob into the floor you’d see Sonic and maybe feel a bit happier about the way things have turned out.

***UPDATE***
The carpet was made by Grosvenor Carpets and it’s actually called SEGA Park, not SEGA World.

SOME CARPET-INSPIRED FAN FICTION WE’VE JUST WRITTEN:

SONIC GETS A CARPETING
By Michael Zorg

“Oh, do we HAVE to?” moaned Sonic, as Amy dragged him through the car park of Carpet Megastore.

“Yes, Sonic, we DO” said Amy, firmly, tugging his hand and quickening her walk.

“You’ve worn them all out with your constant spinning”

It was a Saturday afternoon, and Sonic was thinking he’d rather be anywhere than shopping for carpets. Not only shopping for carpets, but shopping for carpets with Amy. Amy loved shopping for carpets, heck, Amy loved shopping for anything!

Last Saturday it was ring holders, the Saturday before it was emerald stands, the Saturday before that was… something Sonic really wasn’t interested in and also considered a waste of time buying.

This Saturday was carpets.

Sonic trudged along behind Amy, occasionally pretending he had an opinion on a carpet before being told it wasn’t good enough and they had to carry on looking. Perhaps, later, they may have to go to another carpet store to see more carpets, said Amy, such was the lack of a suitable carpet in this shop that contained 1000 carpets.

Sonic, unusually for him, was dragging his feet and walking slowly. So slowly, in fact, that Amy had wandered off ahead of him separating the two of them.

“Hey Sonic!”

It was Cream!

“Oh, er, hey Cream!” said Sonic, nervously glancing around to make sure Amy wasn’t about. “How are you?”

“Oh, you know, bored of shopping for carpets. Mum made me come, she says the one in my bedroom is all worn out because I’m always spinning on it. How I hate shopping for carpets!”

“Yeah, carpets are stupid!” said Sonic, after once again checking that Amy wasn’t within earshot.

“No, wait! Come and see what I’ve found!” Cream said, her eyes suddenly widening and, unbeknownst to Sonic, weeing herself slightly from being so excited.

Before he could protest, Cream grabbed Sonic by the hand and ran very fast – almost as fast as Sonic himself! – through the carpet store into a dark, deserted aisle.

“Look!”

Cream pointed to an old cylinder of carpet. It was grey with a blue design. It was dusty, and had probably lain there untouched since about 1992.

“The design, Sonic, look at the design!!”

Cream pulled Sonic roughly toward the carpet rack, and punched the old carpet to remove some of the dust. Sonic sneezed, waved the dust from the air and peered at the carpet.

“It’s… it’s ME!”

“Yes, Sonic! You’re so famous and cool they made a carpet after you!”

Sonic couldn’t believe his eyes. They had made a carpet after him! Probably in 1992, when he was the most famous because of Sonic 2 on the Mega Drive.

“Wow!” said Sonic, grabbing the frayed end of the carpet and yanking it hard to unfurl a fresh, clean and dust free section. “It’s as good as new!”

“Yes, and so soft!” said Cream, as she unfurled loads more carpet, until carpet was covering the entire width of the aisle!

Cream stroked the carpet, then lay down on it. She rolled over onto her tummy, letting her little orange dress ride up to reveal her white knickers.

“Come here, Sonic!”

Sonic looked around nervously.

“Come on! It’s all soft and like new!” giggled Cream, slipping off her orange shoes and lying back on the carpet, playfully kissing the woven Sonic image on the carpet and smiling up at the real Sonic standing there in front of her.

Sonic looked around nervously again, before smiling – with attitude! – and rolling up beside Cream on the lovely soft carpet.

“It’s so soft, isn’t it?” said Cream, gently, stroking the carpet and gradually moving her hand toward Sonic, then stroking Sonic’s arm.

Sonic looked at Cream. “Yes, Cream, it’s very soft and I…”

“SONIC!”

It was Amy.

“What the HELL are you doing with HER?!”

“Oh, Amy! It’s, er, I can…” stuttered Sonic.

“I’m going home!” squealed Amy in a very angry voice indeed.

Amy then turned around and started to run at full speed – but she was so angry she didn’t look where she was going and hit her head on a metal carpet rail.

Amy fell on the ground. You could tell she was dead immediately, because of the brain and stuff that had come out.

“Oh well” said Sonic.

“Oh well” said Cream.

Sonic grabbed the carpet cutting tool and cut off a length of the Sonic carpet, rolled Amy’s body up in it and put it in a big trolley. They paid for the carpet – it was cheap because it was so old – and then Sonic and Cream drove in Amy’s car to some cliffs and threw the carpet-wrapped body off into the sea, where it sank to the bottom and was never found.

They then went home and had sex on the threadbare carpet in Sonic’s house, but they didn’t notice that the carpet was threadbare because sex is better and more fun than carpets.

The end.

We’ve been sent photos of the inside of SEGA World Sydney, back during the short period it was open and seemed like maybe being financially viable.

It looks like they had too much space to put everything in, and as if the whole place was designed by the BBC special effects department in collaboration with the National Film Board of Canada. In 1981.

In short, it looks rubbish.

It’s a nice sign. We’d be tempted in by that. Before you scroll down, be warned that this is by far the highlight of the photos. If you’re sensitive about having your dreams about SEGA palaces crushed, don’t scroll down.

The quality of these photos isn’t good enough to tell if that’s a real person or a model of a person. Stupid 2001 cameras and their abysmal pixel counts. Either way, it’s a rubbish sign that looks like it belongs in the 1940s not a cutting-edge SEGA amusement/dream-making facility.

This is rubbish. It’s like a Soviet Union children zoo. That’s not fun. And it’s dirty. The poor kids.

This is the family. Dad’s taking the photos and mentally totting up how much money he’s wasted on this amazingly disappointing day out.

Not really that exciting.

Not really that exciting.

We know people got more excitied about rubbish things back in the ‘old days’ before all the cool stuff we have now was invented, but this was only made in the late 1990s. Even in the late 1990s we wouldn’t have got excited about a big plastic tube standing on an unconvincing sci-fi floor.

As disappointing as the SEGA AGES series.

So this is why no one goes to arcades any more, and why SEGA Worlds are being replaced by more branches of Starbucks the world over. We now stand for the complete annihilation of these miserable hell holes.

So we went and investigated it! The sign looked like it had where it says ‘SEGA’ covered up with a sticker, so it might’ve been a closed, abandoned SEGA World facility, with lots of classic games in that everyone’s forgotten about! This could be a lost tomb, sealed forever in 1998 and therefore with everything in mint condition and probably set to freeplay!

It’s worrying that the ‘SEGA’ bit seems to have been covered up.

It’s definitely been covered up, hasn’t it? It would be some coincidence for a piece of paper exactly that size to randomly attach itself to that sign in that specific place, wouldn’t it?

Sadly, to get to SEGA World, you have to walk down the sort of underpass that we usually associate with buying heavily-cut drugs from tramps or having our laptop stolen. This might explain why the sign has been papered over and why it looks like it might be closed and abandoned. What lies down the underpass of DOOM? Is it really a SEGA World? Is it still open? Or is it closed? Or has it been turned into a McDonalds or a Starbucks like every other available retail space?

It’s a boring shopping center. There is no SEGA World in Sydney any more. That was a waste of everyone’s time. We looked for ages. Nothing.

THEN, JUST NOW, THREE WEEKS LATER AND AS IF BY COINCIDENCE!
We got an email from this bloke who saw a second closed SEGA World in Shanghai. What is happening to the world? :(

All the while, Apple is opening *more* iPod hellholes. The end times really are upon us.

It’s the exciting and sexy conclusion!

Cream Car Crash Porn Movie Part 2 [3.76MB WMV]

IS IT SAFE FOR WORK?
That depends on your feelings about plastic toys spunking on supposedly dead other plastic toys, and if you consider that rude or not.

Great news! Now you can go into a shop and download Nike TV commercials directly to your PSP! It’s why PSP was invented!

Dis is wicked, innit!

THERE IS LITERALLY NO POINT…
…in this. As with PSP itself, it seems like a good idea until you realise there aren’t any games and that Nintendo is doing everything ten times better – and making it look easy. Are we missing the game demos on the content list? Is it really just for music and adverts?

A crack undercover reporter braved being labelled a nonce by taking photos inside an arcade for us! This is probably the first time anyone has seen photos from inside the Brighton Sega Park, and judging by how deserted it looks, only about the 100th time anyone’s ever been inside it at all.

Our reporter wrote some captions, and we wrote some others. See if you can guess who did what in today’s interactive writing-style-recognition quiz! (CLUE: rape/paedo/murder/dying alone references = probably ours).

SEGA PARK BRIGHTON, IN PHOTOS:

Tekken 5’s shit! Look at how blurry it looks! Ha ha! Stupid Namco/Sony!

THOUGHT PROCESS OF PHOTOGRAPHER: “UKR likes OutRun2, so I’ll take a photo of OutRun2. They’ll like that and then probably won’t call me a twat.”

Well-worth spending your dole money on. Support third-world slave labour, organised crime and impress your homeless life partner.

Mega Boxe appears to be some spinning/gambling cat-scan hybrid. It will no doubt give you some kind of incurable cancer.

A giant claw, always potential for misuse and so many opportunities in Brighton. Animals in captivity – never pleasant.

Apparently Brighton is full of hippies, students, and ex-students who can’t be bothered to leave. Hence we didn’t go there ourselves, and the only way we would go would be to contaminate the water supply with something bought on the former-Soviet Union blackmarket.

Can’t really tell what this is meant to show and if we’re supposed to be impressed by it or not. It’s hard being funny about other people’s holiday snaps.

We’d like to apologise for saying Versus TV is “the best thing on the internet” – it’s quite clear to us now that it is actually THE WORST THING ON THE INTERNET EVER. Even including that photo of the man stretching his bottom really wide open.

Worse than that photo of the man stretching his bottom really wide open.

It’s also worse than that photo of that Japanese girl poo-ing beans over herself in the bath, even though that was actually quite arousing and we’ve probably got it saved somewhere.

This sudden change in heart was brought about by them complaining about us in the most amazingly hilarious spoilt-little-princess way imaginable, because they’re pretty girls on the internet who always have to have their way and couldn’t understand why we weren’t licking their shoes like all the clingy losers who populate their ‘forum’ and comment on their ‘blogs’.

So obviously we now have to brutally rip apart everything they ever do as revenge. Welcome to the shithouse, bitches!

So, let’s put ourselves through the abject torture that is listening to two full-of-themselves girls having boring opinions about really old games!

Ace! They’ve just done a review of Resident Evil 4! This is really handy, because it’s not like a million people have been saying all over the internet that Resident Evil 4 is really good for the last two years.

Great! And the other one’s talking about Halo 1 and Halo 2! This is really useful, as we often find there isn’t enough information and opinion about Halo 1 or Halo 2 already in the public domain. It’s almost as if the girls think their opinions are somehow important just because they’re girls.

“The gameplay seems simple at first. Perhaps it is” is about the brightest observation in this piece, which makes us really glad we held off buying Halo 2 for 18 months until we got the valuable opinion of a girl who works in a shop.

She pronounces arbiter “are-bite-er” which is wrong. Ha ha! The stupid cow!

She bought the Halo 2 comic book! Perhaps she bought it in a branch of GAME. There are lots of branches of GAME around the country, in places as varied as London, Basingstoke, Exeter (x2) and Bristol.

It would be TERRIBLE if someone was to take this innocent image, open it up in Photoshop and crudely superimpose two penises where those action figures are. It would then be the absolute FINAL STRAW if some sick pervert uploaded their foul creation to a free image hosting service, such as Imageshack, and posted the resulting link in the Comments field below this update. That would be horrible and distressing to say the least, especially if it was turned into some sort of sick competition about who could do it ‘best’, and we implore you all not to take such crude and base actions for it would sully the internet in a terrible manner we would not wish to be associated with.

It’s the weirdest and therefore best thing we’ve ever been sent! It’s Cream, The Rabbit, getting hit by a car. We’re assured that a second part is coming involving Cream’s corpse, Cheese, and some weird sex involving props.

Cinema verite-style Cream car crash porn [1.0MB ‘WMV’]