The key facts of the matter are this: It don’t matter if PSP is black or white. It’s still shit and hasn’t got any games.

The other key fact is this: Might (left) and would. 7.5/10

Ever ever and also by miles. It’s a PRETEND INTERVIEW with Sonic The Hedgehog. This featured in The Sun, which is a bit like a newspaper for people who aren’t really that good at reading. Hey SEGA. You know that thing where random people on the internet just love you for no reason? THIS IS DESTROYING IT!

As a punishment for doing this, tomorrow we’re going to pick a Nintendo game at random and write something about how awesome it is. Every time SEGA does something rubbish from now on, we’ll do this. Until it learns.

A POINT ABOUT SONIC’S AGE
Sonic can’t be 15. His first game came out 15 years ago. So if he was 15, he would’ve been zero in 1991. This piece is LITTERED with inaccuracies.

A man saw Sonic badly painted on an ice cream van, and like one of daddy’s bravest and most favourite little soldiers he got out his camera, or phone, or one of those new ‘cameraphone’ hybrids that probably also has MP3 ringtones, and took a photo of it just for us and you.

This is it!

Then, like a very very GOOD BOY, he actually wrote some fan fiction based on his encounter! This is awesome. More people should send us photos and the subsequent fan fiction they inspire. Textbook reader submission. A+

CREAM SCREAMS FOR ICE CREAM

By Matt Smith

“Look! It’s Sonic!” shouts the innocent six-year-old girl. “Sonic and ice cream!”

Off she runs towards the blue hedgehog’s arms, blissfully unaware of the approaching danger while mummy’s back is turned. She can hear the sweet synthpop beats of Green Hill Zone playing in her mind. “Do do do do do do do do doooo. Do do do, Do do do, Dooo Dooo!”

But it’s not over-priced, no-brand-name ice cream she’s going to get. It’s far, far worse than that.

“Can I have a Cornetto?” she asks the evil, evil man.

“Why certainly little girl.” The evil man replies as he goes to his freezer.

“Oh what a shame”, he says. “I am afraid they are all gone.”

The little girl looks down at her little orange shoes and sobs.

“But if you come into my van I am sure we can find something together!” the evil man replies.

Without thinking she smiles and says “OK!”

The man opens the door. She climbs inside and at first everything seems normal. “Why don’t you have a look inside the freezer?” The man suggests with a rather large grin on his face below his circular glasses and orange moustache.

The little girl is feeling uneasy. She begins to realise her mistake. She slowly walks over to the freezer and takes a look inside…

‘What is this?’ She thinks to herself. ‘It looks like robot parts and…’

“NO!” She screams!

“MUHAHAHAHA!” The man laughs as he rips off his fake apron and hat.

“It’s… It’s… YOU!”

“That’s right!” He bellows. “It’s me, Dr Robotnik! And you have fallen right into my trap, Cream!”

“What do you want!” She shouts.

“Why, a hostage of course! With you in my clutches I know Sonic will bring the Chaos Emeralds to me!”

“You’re crazy Robotnik!” Cream cries. “Sonic’s gonna rescue me and stop you once and for all!”

“MUHAHAHAHA! We’ll see about that!” he shouts. And with that he handcuffs her to the freezer, starts the engine and speeds off far away into the distance, his evil theme tune music menacingly playing through the ice cream van’s speakers.

TO BE CONTINUED?
By this, we mean please write some stuff about Cream getting raped and then starting to enjoy it and then getting covered in spunk (ours, not your lumpy old muck) in the comments section.

We’re really getting into women’s feet these days. If a girl isn’t wearing sexy shoes, she’s not worth looking at twice or following home down a poorly-lit path.

“This little piggy went to… UP MY ARSE”

“…and this little piggy stayed at… IN MY HOT WANTING MOUTH”

“…this little piggy had SEXY TIGHTS PULLED OVER IT”

“… and this little piggy had FUCK-ME RED NAIL VARNISH ON IT”

“…and this little piggy got COVERED IN SPUNK, ALL THE WAY UP TO THE ANKLE BONE”

We’re out of our depth here. We just don’t know enough about foot fetish terminology to pull this off.

“Phwoar, nicely rounded balls”

Next week: Lara Croft’s DEFORMED FOOT NIGHTMARE.

Having slipped from 2005 to Christmas 2005 to New Year 2006 to February 2006 to First Quarter 2006 to just 2006, Sega’s killer app for retaking the MORPG market is now simply “2006 (planned).”

We could go on at length about how this sours our already semi-hostile feelings for online RPGs, but instead here is a picture of a pornographic parody of .hack that we found.

Obviously we didn’t laugh at it or anything, so don’t complain that we’re not cynical or hardcore enough any more.

It’s SEGA’s Grand Prix fruit machine! The man who sent this to us suggested we do a joke about it being “the prequel to Virtua Racing” but that wouldn’t really work, for reasons we’ll outline in the caption.

A prequel is something made AFTER the original, that looks at earlier events. This obviously isn’t a prequel, but could perhaps be described as a precursor. It’s a common mistake people make.

SEEING AS PEOPLE SEND US PHOTOS OF THINGS WHEN WE MENTION THINGS
Has anyone got a hi-res PR photo of nu-indy pop starlet Lily Allen we can have? Only we’ve got a new Employee of the Week ready to go, and want to be all down with the kids and put up a photo of her.

This is the best Google and Myspace has got:

We need something a bit ruder or sexier or at the very least at a better resolution. There’s a good one in Word magazine this month, but we’re not buying that piece of shit.

Entirely by accident, two men thought of us. Not in a gay way, although that does happen quite a lot. No, these men thought of us because they both saw something old and weird and BY SEGA! Both old one penny fruit machines. By SEGA!

This one says SEGA on its ‘nose’ and has an ‘eye’ missing so looks really cute. This also looks like a girl we used to fancy at school. Maybe that explains the weird SEGA fixation? We couldn’t have Sarah Kendall, but we CAN HAVE SEGA PRODUCTS.

This is a different one, probably a more recent model what with the stylised retro-futuristic SEGA font that looks like it’s from the 60s when the 60s tried to imagine what the 80s would look like. .

Imagine having that font. Imagine using Word and having that as your normal font! Or imagine having a long-running SEGA-based web site and having that font so you could make a new logo with it.

We don’t often get excited over fonts, but wow. That’s one hell of a font. Even if you’ve only got a version that works on a Mac, send it to us. We’ll buy a Mac.

Actually, the usage of the term “old penny” here suggests this machine was still in service post-decimalisation, which took place here in 1971. Which means it pre-dates that time as it was constructed to use the out-dated coin. Therefore, we’re going to predict this machine was built in around 1965. Unless YOU know better…

…in return for an hour of ‘full personal service’ with any two out of the following ten entrants in its ‘Search For Any Kind Of Sexy Woman’ t-shirt model competition:

Those two specifically, but any of the rest would probably also do for what we have in mind*. They’ve made the classic mistake of putting their real names on the web site, so we’ll have them all geographically pinpointed to within five metres and added to MySpace within the hour. Although, judging from her dental records, Lorena Linx is loads more than 21 and needs some seriously expensive root canal work so she’s out of the equation.

*Telling them how life isn’t fair for ages while they don’t interrupt or say anything about themselves, then starting to cry and having them tell us it’s all going to be OK while we smell their hair and remember what mum’s hair used to smell like back when everything used to be OK. Then spunking on their tummies and getting a Chinese on the way home.

This is ALMOST too good to be true. We’re not quite convinced it is but that’s beside the point. The point is that this provides a small spark of life and gives us the strength to carry on when we would otherwise sit dwelling on our supposed cynical existence, exhausted by the exertion of wanking with the aid of a hot dog bun.

Thank you SONY. Those lazy summer days of NON-STOP WANKING are not so far off for you now.

Not just a bit better, but MILES better. There’s no possible way we’ll ever top Sonic The Hedgehog Pasta With Tomato And Cheese Sauce. This is the SEGA find of the year, or possibly decade. This is better than finding Sonic’s ACTUAL SHOES!

SONIC CHANNEL – even though it’s SONIC TEAM’s blog – is going on the list of sites we hate, next time we bother changing it. This has probably been on the internet for 13 years, but as far as we’re concerned if it hasn’t been on UKR then it doesn’t count. This new rule means it’s now OK for us to copy things off forums.

F.A.O. ALL THE PEOPLE WHO SEND US STUFF*
You need to BUCK YOUR IDEAS UP. We’re being BEATEN by some stupid JAPANESE BLOG, that probably nobody reads because it’s about SEGA and IN JAPANESE. We want pasta-shaped game character sightings, and we want them YESTERDAY.

*Apart from the man who sent us the pasta link, who is now the inaugural ELITE SEGA SCOUT ALPHA TEAM member, and so awesome we fired up Photoshop and made this especially in his honour:

Only the man who sent us the pasta site link is allowed to download and make copies of this image. Unauthorised downloading and distribution of this logo will lead to us pretending to be you on the internet and causing loads of trouble with who you work for.