They generate, literally, one million possible captions to do with girls-not-really-understanding how video games work.

The caption for this one could say the one on the left’s checking to see if she’s got anything stuck in her teeth in the screen reflection, while the one on the right is trying to use it as a camera. Because she thinks it’s a camera!

Then, the caption for this one could just be “would” as in, we definitely WOULD like to take her home, then post bits of her body back to our parents to PROVE we’re not gay. And so on.

This one would have a really long caption about PSP’s poor battery life. The joke being that we have SOMETHING ELSE to put in her hands (a penis) that also takes a lot of charging up and then doesn’t last very long.

IT’S GOT TO THE STAGE WHERE THIS SORT OF STUFF WRITES ITSELF AND WE OUGHT TO JUST TURN THIS SITE INTO A TEXT-ONLY LIST OF REALLY OBVIOUS LINKS TO PICS LIKE THIS:
Here.

It’s all very well that TV commercials have thus far featured women playing Tetris and Animal Crossing and Nintendogs and stuff like that. However, the suggestion (proffered in the New Super Mario Brothers TV commercial) that birds play proper games where you have to not fall off stuff is TOO MUCH.

“Oh my god! There’s a little man in there! How does he breathe? Oh wait, that must be what the holes are for.”

This is the bit where she’s actually shaking the DS up and down and shouting “JUMP! JUMP!” at it. If we’d made this up as a parody, people would have called US sexist.

Silver and gold medals go to A) The face she makes when she sees Mario eat a mushroom and grow big, and B) The face (shown above) she makes when Mario dies respectively, with the latter setting a new world record. “Wow! When I ran into that turtle it played a pretty tune! I wonder if I could get it to do it again?”

Let’s all make 50 Cent: Bulletproof win the Golden Joysticks. That way, the makers will have to go up and accept an award so everyone in the audience can boo and throw wine bottles full of piss at the stage and laugh!

It’s on TV and everything, so this will make everyone stop making gangsta games, and only companies that make sweet games about being happy animals will survive and a New World Order will emerge! (We’ll be THE KINGS of this new world order, of course. We’ll get back to you with a list of weird sex demands once we’re crowned).

A man passed the Sega Park in Brighton seafront and thought of us. The place had two signs, one of which had the ‘G’ in SEGA and ‘K’ in PARK stolen. This is his story:

“I passed the “Sega Park” in Brighton seafront and thought of you guys. The place has two signs, one of which the G in SEGA and K in PARK were stolen by chavs who ventured off Brighton pier. In side “SEGA PARK” there are no SEGA games, in fact there is only really Tekken, one of those gay dance games for Chinese people and about 40+ slot machines. The people that work there aren’t very pleasant. I’ll try and get some pics of the inside of the place next time I go there but it’s not very SEGA-y. Enjoy the pics!”

This is his pic:

This should probably be our new logo :(

It’s the stuff we’ve been sent. At least, it’s the remaining dregs – anything we get sent that’s really good we do a proper update with and pretend we found it ourselves.

SOME BODGE-JOB MEGA DRIVE PRICK WANKER
“Some fool did this. I suspect it is useless as both a guitar and a Mega Drive. Cunt.”

BLOKE DOING A WEIRD DANCE TO THE JSR SOUNDTRACK
Bloke doing a weird dance to the JSR soundtrack

SOME SORT OF BIZARRE PSONE/MEGA DRIVE HYBRID THING ON A RUSSIAN WEB SITE
“Don’t know if you’ll have seen this already but i found some sort of bizarre psone/megadrive hybrid thing on a Russian website, looks weird.”

HOOKER MADE GOOD
“Looks like it paid off for some of those hookers you featured last year – whilst doing some E3 ‘research’, I happened across this pic of the winner at the launch of her new booth babe career, posing with a couple of runners-up with breasts deemed big enough to be adorned with the title of some other Sony shite.”

“And would, I s’pose.”

EA’S GENESIS PAD
“Found a bizarre thing in Toymaster in Dublin… backwater that it is. Not a SEGA logo anywhere on it. Down with that kind of thing.”

DAMIAN BUTT IS A ‘CUNT’
“You seen Cunt’s Corner? There’s a fucking super nasty thread on there for Damian Butt. Nothing to do with me, but I do hate the cunt and like the idea of him being ridiculed in front of the industry.”

A POSSIBLY INTERESTING FACT:
“Sonic is an enzyme now!”
http://embryology.med.unsw.edu.au/MolDev/factor/shh.htm

SEGA WILL MAKE US ALL LIVE FOREVER
SEGA WILL MAKE US ALL LIVE FOREVER!!!!

“Looks like I’ll need that pension after all :(“

A DOG WEARING A SONIC T-SHIRT
“This is not my dog”

JUST A PICTURE OF WEMBLEY THAT WE HOPE WASN’T STOLEN FROM SOMEWHERE ELSE:

A FEW THINGS FROM JAPAN
“A few things from Japan for you as I’m leaving for England on Saturday…”

“Which is interestingly the most sense you can actually make of anything written in English in Japan…”

“Second is nothing more than something I found quite strange, no pictures because I didn’t have my camera at the time. In Sega Centers in Japan Sonic & Amy Rose are used for very few things, maybe signage outside the building occasionally, but more often that not they can be seen directing people to the toilets. Notice that like many diagrams for male/female toilets, they have the standard blue/pink colour scheme.”

“That’s it. Sorry it wasn’t much and if it’s been sent into you guys before.”

CUT-PRICE HOMESTAR
“Was out wandering around one the not-so-cool shopping places in Tokyo today, and found your SEGA Homestar effort for half of what you paid for it… HALF! 16,500 yen! 79 quid! You got bummed my friends.”

“Want another one?”

A HAMSTER PLAYING VF
“No idea of the origin of this one. But I bet old hammie would kick my arse at VF!”

EA ‘PULLS A SONY’
“I saw this and only one word came to mind: ‘Irony'”

“EA Mobile claims the market is flooded with bad games”

That’s everything. Thanks for joining in, everyone.

Forget all that stuff we’ve said about mobile phone games being shit and irrelevant and for idiots – SONIC IS AT NUMBER ONE IN SOME SORT OF CHART AGAIN!

THE ELSPA UK MOBILE DOWNLOAD CHART, FOR APRIL 2006

1 SONIC THE HEDGEHOG – GLU MOBILE/SEGA
2 TETRIS – EA
3 THE SIMS 2 – EA
4 WORMS – THQ
5 BLOCK BREAKER DELUXE – GAMELOFT
6 ICE AGE 2: ARCTIC SLIDE – GLU MOBILE
7 MONOPOLY – GLU MOBILE
8 EA SPORTS FIFA 06 – EA
9 RONNIE O’SULLIVAN SNOOKER – PLAYER ONE
10 CHAMPIONSHIP MANAGER 2006 – EIDOS

This is one of those little victories that makes us happy, like putting a magazine inside a newspaper and only paying for the newspaper.

For ONLY 1.99! It’s amazing, the local chemist once again shows that it’s the greatest breed of shop. Having already proved it’s worth over the last eight years with a steady and never-ending stock of powerful Valium pills and industrial strength lubricants we didn’t think it could be any better. We were wrong. They have truly outdone themselves this time:

It’s some kind of cosmic sign that this still exists and is on a shelf after 15 years. Perhaps there’s even some kind of metaphor for SEGA there. We have ZERO doubt at all that were we to open this wonderful little bottle of gaming merchandise DELIGHT, it would actually smell of 1992, Mega Drive, and Becky Boroughclough’s hair.

THIS IS THE SCIENCE BIT:
In fact the bottle has been opened now and the reaction it has elicited from people includes:

“Smells of ‘Tolkien powder’.”

“Smells of grannies.”

“Oh fuck it smells of liquid.”

“It smells of cocaine.” (After snorting it.)

“It smells just like Tails – SHIT.”

This on-the-spot report provided by guest updater The Cap’n.

It’s something for PS3 that the PlayStation creator is calling “Friends” – it’s a “list” of people you play online games with. A sort of “Friends list” if you will.

Where do they get these brilliant ideas from?

This is a sort of review of New Super Mario Bros on DS.

He smells just like we remember!

Look at him! The other kids laughed at us and said he was an unemployed plumber and a bent, but now he’s at the top of his game! He hasn’t even hit mummy once, even though everyone knows she’s been going out with that creepy Mr Gates from the Aldi.

Hold us, daddy. The bank says that when we bought the house from them we actually only bought their permission to live in it, and they’re going to evict us because we asked Joey round for a sleepover. Tell us that you’re going to make it all okay and you’ll never go away again.

Life is worth living again! We’re happy! It’s like being back on the Prozac/Zoloft combination therapy! Every day brings a new Sony DISASTER, as PlayStation3 morphs into more of a joke by the second. 425 pounds! A remake of an old PS2 racer as its ‘main game’! A rubbish controller copied off Nintendo! Blu-Ray no one wants! Executives who brand it “a bargain” and think it’s above criticism and that we should be grateful it’s launching a new PlayStation at all!

Every day we wake up invigorated, desperate to see the latest in PS3 comedy disintegration. We’ll be triumphantly hoisting PlayStation’s bleeding corpse into the air yet.

And then there are the games.

This, 12 months ago, was what Tekken 6 was going to look like.

This is what Tekken 6 looks like today. Next year, when it comes out, it’ll look like a third-party Dreamcast game like all the rest of the piss-poor PS3 stuff shown at E3. Seeing this breathes life into our souls! Yeah, Sony, carry on begging those third-parties to pretend their multi-format games are exclusive to PS3 so your game line-up doesn’t look like such a disaster. It won’t make a difference.

Still, women get punched in the stomach in it, so it’s not that bad.