Girl we might conceivably have something in common with AND can easily find full details on how to contact/stalk her via the internet. First one to get her to write “I <3 Vector The Crocodile" on a sign and hold it up to a webcam wins.

“Up-and-coming indie music girl George Pringle wearing a Sonic The Hedgehog cap! – Mark.”

September sales figures for Japan, for you all to enjoy! Nothing gets the weekend off to a better start than putting “PS3” at the bottom of a list.

SEPTEMBER CONSOLE SALES IN JAPAN

DS: 234,477
Wii: 109,548
PSP: 109,274
360: 53,547
PS3: 33,071

ANALYSIS:
Sony will be saved by PSP and its extremely strong software sales.

As well as gifting the world the joys of airport-based Cream The Rabbit fan fiction and homoerotic video game developer photography, we have also crafted the following pig-eared collections of words to go on other bits of internet.

This thing about Oasis.

This thing about when marketing budgets COLLIDE.

This thing about innovations in the battery-charging scene.

This thing about Sarah or Penny.

This thing about a camera we’d have if money was to suddenly become no object thanks to either a series of deaths or robberies.

This thing about what happens when you Google the word photocopier, because you can’t not use pictures like this when they come along:

Another week of this being our job. That’s a 10/10 to us on a personal level, but only a 3/10 for the rest of the poor internet that has to suffer the terrible results.

Included in today’s SENSATIONAL Lie Watch:

Jack Tretton says PS3 sales are “100% up” year on year! (even though last year it sold 9.5m PS3s and this year it plans to sell 10m. 10m is not 100% more than 9.5m, you imbecile)

Jack Tretton says Sony will struggle to meet demand for PS3! (great excuse for not selling many of a thing).

Jack Tretton says lots of other things that aren’t particularly true when taken in context of what Sony has said before and figures that are publicly available.

The full lie-laden article with cunty-chops is here. It is being saved for aggressive future use, as is Jack Tretton’s sphincter, when he gets made redundant as Sony’s gaming division closes in 2010.

Continuing our series of updates in which we attempt to alienate all but the most hardcore of readers by uploading the dullest possible material, we present the work of “Allan” – a man who whiled away the six hours of his EasyJet delay by photographing the inside of Gatwick’s arcade.

“These shameful image-records were captured at Gatwick airport about a month ago. They might work as some sort of filler for a slow news day.”

“I especially enjoyed the Lazy Town lead-filled Chinese clone-toys in the Elaut grabber” – Al.

The most exciting thing about this update is that, we would imagine, photography is not permitted within Gatwick Airport.

Allan could’ve been mistaken for a terrorist.

He may have been arrested and put in a cramped holding cell for 48 hours.

There could’ve only been a shared toilet for him and six others to use.

And several rapists in the same cell.

Then Cream The Rabbit may have been arrested and put in the same cell.

And it was hot in there. So very hot.

So Cream had no choice but to remove her little shoes and socks.

Then her dress.

She smiled at Allan.

Allan smiled back, unbuttoning his trousers.

Cream smiled more, got up and walked slowly over to Allan’s cold steel bunk.

Then one of the rapists got up to use the communal toilet and did a big poo.

The moment was gone. Cream hung herself with a torn up bed sheet six days later, while Allan was transferred to Guantanamo Bay where he still resides today despite protests from his family and the UK government.

Back in January of this year, Sony earned “column inches” by boasting that that PlayStation3 had overtaken Xbox 360 in parts of Europe and was selling at “three times” the rate of Microsoft’s console. We have reproduced the quote for you here:

“…the team here expect to overtake the installed base of Xbox 360 across all PAL territories in late summer,” David Reeves, Sony Europe, January 24 2008.

However, retailer GAME has just revealed official UK sales data which shows Sony has sold 1.4 million PS3s in the UK, compared to Microsoft’s 2.3 million Xbox 360s. That is a VERY LARGE GAP and not what even the wildest of statisticians would consider a close battle.

It is certainly not three times as many. It is more like loads less.

Do not trust this man, anyone on his pay roll or people that transcribe his interviews.

THOSE UK HARDWARE TOTALS AGAIN, AS OF SEPTEMBER 2008:

DS: 7.1m
Wii: 3.6m
PSP: 2.9m
360: 2.3m
PS3: 1.4m

Cliffy B was in the UK! The man who has made the stupidest game ever is a pretty sensationally nice chap, even if he has risen to prominence thanks to making meatslabs shout “Holy shit” at each other over the sound of machine gun fire.

Here are some photos from his modelling portfolio, taken in a London hotel. It’s incredible to see a man in the video game industry without (a) glasses, (b) a goatee beard or (c) clinical obesity.

Now, we are not in possession of what you might call a “gaydar,” but if we were, it’d be going off by ringing AND vibrating AND flashing bright red right now. That sham marriage of his is not fooling us.

If we’re not very much mistaken, he also has some “product” in his hair – another sensational video game industry first.

That jumper’s probably cashmere. At least $300. It almost certainly does not say “UNREAL II: THE AWAKENING” on the back of it in faded lettering.

All Cliffy B fans, straight, gay and bi, need to check out his staggering appearance in the “Pets” video series. You will be AMAZED by a man who is both in the video game community AND totally at ease in the presence of women.

It’s just three YouTube videos. God knows how people managed to regularly update web sites before YouTube came along.

“The only good thing is the graphics are older Sonic and not newer Sonic, so they got that right at least. It’s all about branding and demographics and making the kids happy with their overpriced Orange fuck phones” – Tenno.

“Some time ago, a bit tired of watching so many videos of people playing Mario music on the piano, I made one in which I played all the themes from the game Sonic The Hedgehog. Now Shazomei, another pianist who loves 16-bit Sonic music, has made another in which he plays all the music from Sonic The Hedgehog 2. I hope you enjoy them” – GoriFater.

“I am concerned by your new-found interest in the spiral. Can I point you in the direction of manga and the film “Uzumaki”? It’s a cursory tale, warning of this obsession. Basically, everything in some town gets fucked up into a big spiral (sorry if that spoils it for anyone). Yours Faithfully, Gas.”

A game called “Pure” has come out today. It’s very good, and we’re not just saying that because Disney Interactive is one of only two companies in the entire world that bothers sending us review copies of its games. We wouldn’t let a guaranteed £30 off eBay in time for next weekend’s recreational pharmaceutical shopping cloud our judgement or impartiality in any way.

We’re saying that because Pure’s an extremely decent update of the SSX Tricky style of trick-to-boost racer, and SSX Tricky is one of the top five best games of all time even though you had to own one of SATAN’S EVIL LIE MACHINES in order to play it.

To celebrate the launch of Pure, the people paid to ensure commoners like us are aware of its existence got some men to go upside down near some quad bikes.

This is a bit like what the game is about. That’s the idea behind it.

This ought to be making the general public excited. This photo is presumably meant to get included in London Lite tonight, or Metro on Monday morning, under the headline “Parkour craze hits London!”

That’s a remarkably relaxed face for a man who’s upside down near one of the most dangerous inventions known to man.

“HAVE YOU GOT ANYTHING THAT’S ABOUT SEGA TO KEEP ME GOING OVER THE WEEKEND?”
There’s this rather nice interview with the bloke that played SEGA Saturn Man in the Japanese TV adverts. It’s copied out of “GamesTM” which saves you having to buy “GamesTM” or suffering the shame of being seen reading it in a shop for free.

As well as endangering a man’s life by publishing photos taken from behind the frayed remains of the Iron Curtain, we having lovingly/hurriedly crafted the following gems/germs.

This thing in which we referred to a red camera as coming in “Inflamed Eczema Red,” launching a new subversive thread in which we will insert fictional product colour names in stories until someone complains about it and we’re made to stop and go back through every update we’ve ever written and remove them all. That’s what passes for FUN around here!

This thing about cheap Xbox 360s.

This thing about power cables which we were told to write, presumably as punishment for Inflamed Eczema Red.

This thing which shows we know how advertising works.

This thing about a product aimed at sporty women, because you can’t not use pictures like this when they come along:

You should see the state of the ones we didn’t use. 2/10.