It’s the EMA, which stands for Eternal, Maiden, Actualization. This is going to be winging it’s way to UKR HQ at massive expense very soon. Finally, we will be able to talk about a female as if it is an object without getting into trouble, because this one actually is an object. You can throw it around as much as you like.

“It” is 38cm tall according to a Japanese spec sheet. Full review of each of its holes coming soon. Please god let the batteries go up its arse.

Thanks to the Idiots in the Workplace Act (1979) we are employed to do the following. Every company must employ one person like us for every 15 normal members of staff. It’s a fantastic scheme – otherwise we’d be collecting trolleys from supermarket car parks as a living.

This thing which was a poor attempt at humour regarding Steve Jobs’ weight loss. We can only hope he’s been on a diet and isn’t suffering a relapse of his pancreatic cancer, as that would make it even less amusing.

This thing about (a) the state of modern dance music, (b) two things we thought had closed, (c) what makes a good holiday nowadays.

This thing about how receptionists aren’t as good as they used to be.

This thing about some Xbox 360 RPGs, because it’s been the worst week for video game news in living memory.

This thing in which we called another blog LIARS and got away with it. Mainly because, 24-hours later, it turned out they were lying. Or at least easy to trick by emailing “news” to.

This thing about how men are becoming almost entirely shed-based beings, because you can’t not use pictures like this when they come along:

The Man-photo Rule gives this batch an automatic 1/10.

We need to apologise to a man called “Damien.” Damien very kindly sent us one of these Sonic The Hedgehog watches, back in about 2005, having found it and “haggled the seller (an elderly woman obviously selling her departed/dead son’s junk) down from £1 to 50p.”

We kept his email about it, but lost the watch. Sorry Damien. Pretty much every day since then we have felt a little bit guilty about that. However, we also owned one of these watches during the mid-1990s and wore it regularly, so it wasn’t that much of an exciting discovery in the first place.

So. Sorry, Damien. Sorry it’s been three years and we lost the thing you bought and sent in. Worse still, your place in UKR history has been taken by a man called “Randy” :(

“I know you love old stuff, especially when it has a picture of Sonic on it. Well, behold, attached are two photos of a Sonic the Hedgehog watch that I either bought or won from ‘Sonic the Comic’ around 1997. It’s even started to go a bit yellow, and there was plenty of sweat to scrape off. The wheel around the clockface rotates so you can time activities, such as a speed run of Metropolis Zone or how fast you can read the UK:R archives.”

“There was a manky 377 battery inside which has tarnished the brass. But a new battery brought it back to life, despite looking worse for wear. Such quality products from Sega Enterprises – Randy.”

Jesus CHRIST. You can get a copy of F1 Championship Edition and a SIXAXIS controller TOGETHER in the same package now? Sony is SAVED. This is going to recoup those development billions over the coming weekend.

Utterly. Sensationally. Staggeringly. Poor. Sony, you ought to be embarrassed about this.

Embarrassed and genuinely ashamed. This is an insult in product form.

Triple-A solid-gold update material! Soon we’ll have blueprints of every SEGA World on the planet, along with a full set of keys, original staff rotas and payroll details.

“Thought I’d share with you some scans of some London SEGA World leaflets from 1999.”

“I’ve tried my best to keep them in good condition but sadly they have suffered some wear and tear.”

“The first one looks more of a map and the second smaller one is advertising the dodgems.”

“I don’t remember it much as I was only 9 at the time. Cheers, Sean.”

Sony’s pretend impartial publicity blog – and official enemy of UKR – Three Speech has plummeted to new lows recently, culminating in this – a “Top Trumps” update about “famous” Sony video game character Spyro. It literally cannot get any worse than this.

The only solace taken from this sort of drivel is that it is at least costing Sony money to spew out and maintain. £14 to renew the domain name is £14 less to spend on PS3 development. Every little hinders.

Sad to see you go, TS. It was moderate-at-best while it lasted. We are claiming this as a victory, by the way. A crushing victory. This tea we are drinking right now? It is not tea, it is the BLOOD of Three Speech! Expect the domain to be a list of links to Amazon in about three months time.

Unless we’re very much mistaken, this is a few bits of Sonic Heroes artwork with the colours changed and stuck on the front of a PlayStation clone that plays emulated Mega Drive games. It is something of a curiosity that operates above the law.

“Spotted in Carrefour, Dubai. Photos taken just before getting collar felt by an employee who then proceeded to try and flog me a ‘Vii’. “All in Two!” “Cool Graphics” “Realistic Hero Game” but best of all “Unlimited hours of entertainment”. UNLIMITED! I should have bought it, but was still a bit shaky from the collar-feeling incident. Still – the hedgehog looks familiar. All the best – Morgan.”

Look like SEGA’s just launched the Saturn II in Bulgaria. It is no doubt a ‘test market’ to see how the public responds, before the global roll-out begins.

“On a recent snowboarding trip to Bulgaria, my friends and I stopped off in the capital Sofia for a day. While walking down the main street, we passed this shop. As you can see, someone has tagged the Sega Saturn logo, probably with the Bulgarian words for ‘in stock’. Also, at one point they must have covered the logo up with some form of flyer, possibly saying sold out. We joined the queue to get into the shop to see if we could buy another Saturn, but unfortunately by the time we got in they didn’t have any left. It seems that people in front of us were purchasing multiple consoles, presumably to sell for profit on ebay. They did have plenty of different PS3 packages on offer – Pete.”

In unrelated Bulgarian SEGA news, here’s what the logo of Sofia Airport looks like. Could the next reader who goes on a booze/prostitutes tour of Eastern Europe please get some hi-res photos of the sign? Thanks.

Couldn’t give a toss about the game, or the idea of playing an RTS, or the idea of playing an RTS on a console, or the idea of playing an RTS on a console that’s a PlayStation3. But still.

It’s EA dumping PlayStation3. That’s AWESOME and means there’s one less game for morons to put on their little lists of “Games That Will Turn Things Around For PS3.”

DEAD. PlayStation3 is now officially the Dreamcast of this generation. In terms of developer support, that is. Not quality of games or unspoken feelings of attachment.

An alternate selection of words and pictures we have “phoned in” for other web sites that don’t mind being called blogs.

This thing in which we “live blogged” the downloading of the Ninja Gaiden II demo.

This thing about people whose job is listing the specs of laptops about to suffer a bit more.

This thing in which we get to the heart of the racism-in-games debate.

This thing about what a clever man made for Wii.

This thing about the the Eee PC 901, because you can’t not use pictures like this when they come along:

Edge magazine would give that lot 5/10, because a 5/10 from Edge actually means it’s good.