Well, there sort of are, in that Sonic likes collecting “coin-like” gold items, which is a bit like capitalism. Good luck spinning that sole fact out over 10,000 words, Luke. You’d seriously be better off ditching “uni” and going straight into being unemployed and having a blog about games.

He’s being very brave about using semi-colons;

We pity the poor tutor that will have to read through this, pretending it was a worthwhile way to spend three years. Thanks to reader “Paul” for sending this in.

Not sure where they get the “World” bit from in “Darts World Championships”, as it mainly seems to be an in-house competition for a few northern pubs that somehow ended up on the telly. Still, is was great seeing Martin ‘Wolfie’ Adams show young pretender Dave Chisnall how to cope with the pressure cooker atmosphere of the Lakeside Club in yesterday’s final.

Chisnall fell apart on the 10th set, missing some easy check outs that would’ve pulled him level with Adams. It was painful to watch. As was this, from Saturday’s semi:

“Switched on TV to see this. In a mad rush of enthusiasm I actually made the effort to rewind the TV and take a picture with the rubbish iPhone camera. Now the enthusiasm has kind of worn off and I really don’t know why I went to the effort. Maybe you can write something vaguely amusing about it?” – Mark.

“Please, mum, do not enter my bedroom and recreate an urban myth by putting a cup of tea down beside me while I am masturbating with my headphones on”.

Well done, SEGA. After the recent years spent in the wilderness producing Wii games for literally about 50 people, it would appear you’re finally ON TRACK again with your target demographic. Start selling these for a pound at a market and you might be able to return to that GLORY FINANCIAL QUARTER you once enjoyed in the early 1990s.

Is the maker attempting to create something ironically bad? Something so bad it gets laughed at all over the internet and becomes a must-have among ironic classes and he, therefore, becomes rich enough not to care?

It’s not even BIG. If it was BIG you might at least feel like you’re getting your money’s worth. And RED TEETH? Has Sonic been FEASTING?

It’s not bad for five dollars, plus four dollars shipping, mind. We’ve imported worse Sonic-branded rubbish for more than that in the past. Spotted at online tat portal Etsy by a reader that’s probably a woman.

DESCRIPTION:
“This painting is acrylic paint on a 3″ by 3” canvas on a frame. It is my design of a Sonic the Hedgehog from the Sega video games. Sonic is all about speed and nothing else. This painting is one of a kind. There will be no copies of this paintin available. I am always making more creature paintings all with different monsters and creatures doing different things.

“Will look good on any wall space or because of its size just hanging out in any nook or cranny of your place of residence. Enjoy its creepy colors when you look at this creature from out of this world.

“SEGA!”

Is it OK with everyone if we turn this site into a site that looks at things on Etsy for a few weeks?

Sonic The Hedgehog TORN LIMB-FROM-LIMB in SEGA’s US office, as team members laugh and mill about while poking his dismembered remains.

They’re attempting to wrap the corpse up in bubble wrap. Perhaps they plan to “post” his body as one final insult?

Head and extremities have been removed in an attempt to mask the identity of the victim, but unless they also plan to peel that recognisable blue fur off it won’t help much.

Head kept as a trophy.

Arm kept as a cheaper trophy.

Everyone on the internet is scoffing free sweets from SEGA, except us. But it’s not SEGA’s fault. We’ve moved house four times in two years, edging further away from civilisation and reality each time. That’ll be why we don’t even get sent games from SNK any more. Even the emails of XBLA game codes seem to have dried up. Such a sorry state of affairs.

Here’s Adam with some photos of his three calendars.

“This morning was more exciting than most mornings, when Postie showed up with a large-ish box with SEGA written on it! At first it reminded me of the old days when SEGA used to send out Dreamcast stuff or whatever and it always had SEGA on the postage and it was all exciting. Actually it turned out to be this year’s OFFICIAL SEGA ADVENT CALENDAR complete with FAIRTRADE CERTIFIED CHOCOLATE. The fact Sega is making this and coming up with a unique Christmassy Sonic bit of artwork shows that there are people at Sega who DO STILL CARE, and the Fairtrade thing obviously means that SEGA still represents GOOD instead of EVIL.”

“I was very upset last year to lose to “Adam 1” in the Sega Advent Calendar Photography Competition, so this year I tried about 2% harder. I include full resolution snaps of the THREE chocolate calendars Mr SEGA sent (what the fuck’s he trying to say?), as well as a picture of the Exciting Box Arrival phase. For my hard work on this update, all I ask is that you update the Kikizo link under Friends to Video Games Daily, as that is what it’s called now. We’re currently planning an update about Shenmue 4 news, so stay tuned for that” – Adam.

A whole new generation of awkward children is being prepared to take our place! If we lock this boy in a bedroom for the next 14 years and feed him on toast, television and late-night free-to-air soft pornography, he may emerge as the next new UKR guest contributor.

“I was whiling away the time watching BBC Three’s magnificent hard-hitting reality drama Young Hairdresser of the Year, vaguely masturbating to several contestants while trying not to be put off by the Vernon Kay wannabe host, when suddenly my eye was caught by the sight of a small child. Before we all rush to call the police to my house, have a very careful look at the boy’s shirt”.

“I suspect that the roughly 4 seconds of airtime enjoyed by said shirt may be the most exposure Sonic has had on national television since 1927, and I have a very good grasp of time and other things like that” – Joseph.

If the fabric is rockin’ don’t come a-knockin’ – I’m rocking backwards and forwards in my van because I’ve just lost all my savings on the stock market and got made redundant last month, although I am still leaving the house at 7.55am every day so it looks like I still have a job.

Spotted by a “Darren” who concocted the sort of half-baked LIE we would expect to hear from a person called Darren.

“Me and my pals are hoping to make it all the way to E3 in America to see the official launch of the rocking new Dreamcast console. We reckon it will beat the new ‘funstation’, or what ever it’s called from Sony. What does Sony know about gaming anyway, it makes video players! I thought I would send you a picture of our awesome van we are using. We customized it special, hope you like it” – Darren.

We seem to have become some sort of focal point for Dreamcast developers, probably because we’re one of the few sites so clearly desperate for content and incredibly unaware of “SEO” and current internet trends we’re prepared to mention “Dreamcast” in this day and age.

So here, to help UKR move a few pages further down the Google page rankings, is Irides: Master of Blocks.

The nice man from the publisher who sent us the information didn’t say if he had acquired licensing rights to the Lumines series or not.

They’re releasing a limited edition version that only consists of 144 copies. No one does “limited” like Dreamcast publishers. The maker/publisher has an extremely minimal web site here, if you want to know more.

This takes us back to when we used to like Lumines. Still like Lumines. Lumines and DS Animal Crossing mark the “Peak Gaming” period of modern mankind. It has all been downhill since.

Here’s the press release. They have resorted to saying the game is easy to learn yet tough to master. We are available for hire at competitive freelance rates to “jazz up” press releases if you’re struggling.

Dreamcast Title Irides: Master of Blocks standard and Limited Edition set for release on “Blocks Day” 12/12

Irides: Master of Blocks is an incredible puzzler game where the player has to match blocks of similar colors together to eliminate them, score points and create combos. The faster that the blocks are connected and the more blocks there are, the better the score when they are eliminated! Just like all of the great classic puzzle games, Irides: Master of Blocks is an easy concept, but one that is tough to master!

Irides: Master of Blocks contains over 30 levels of content, challenging players with different Power Blocks to either assist or hamper your progression through the game. Players can also attempt to become the Master of Blocks with a friend in Co-Op mode, progressing through the game with both players playing in the same playfield. A two-to-four player multiplayer mode allows players to face off against friends or foes to see who is the true Master of Blocks! Friends not around to play? Submit scores online to see who the best in the universe at smashing blocks is!

[Read the rest of this entry…]

The man who makes them says he’s struggling to meet demand, so this has probably already been on Kotaku for the last 72 hours.

But just in case it hasn’t. Sent in by “GigerPunk” who really ought to get a blog of his own rather than writing the UKR/Extra-Last network all by himself.