People exactly like us (only with better graphics cards and art skills) have been modding The Sims 2 to feature weird sex stuff.

This Sims 2 mod is called “Gaping Hole” — it makes your female Sim look like she’s been sliced open. Look at her. You can tell she deserved it too, the whiny-faced bitch!

Here at UKR we do not condone the cutting open of innocent women. Only the guilty ones. The ones guilty of spurning our advances. Or getting in the way of the TV. Or wearing short skirts and therefore asking for it.

THERE ARE RUDER ONES THAN THIS! ONES WITH PENISES!
Very Strange Sims Page One

This is not a joke. We’d really like to do this if it turns out we can legally get away with it (probably not) and enough people get involved (certainly not).

Let’s face it. We all know what you’re “surfing” the Friends Reunited archives for. Let’s cut out the bullshit.

Hatred Reignited will accept stories in the following categories.

UNREQUITED LOVE: Did you fall in love with a staggeringly beautiful creature in school? Despite the fact that you would have treated them like like an elven prince/ess and slept outside their window, cutting your inner thighs and writing poems just to get a glimpse of their face, did they blow you off for a some neanderthal chav who could play football? Did their choice in partners land them in Pentonville for stabbing the wife beating drunkard they ended up married to five hundred and eighty nine times? Tell the rest of the school about it.

CUNTS: Remember that little shit who stole your gameboy and the teachers wouldn’t do anything about it because they said it was his word against yours? Did his unchecked kleptomania terminate in a stay at her majesty’s pleasure for petty theft wherein he was bumburgled to within an inch of his life until he got the aids? Gloat about it online.

TEACHERS: What about the slimy, abusive shitface who joined the teaching profession because he couldn’t control anything else in his life? The one who used to alternately scream and gloat at the class that none of them would even amount to as much as he had? Did he fuck a student and have his marriage ruined, his career shredded had his house burned down by Rebekkah Wade’s bob-a-mobs? If Hatred Reignited gets off the ground, you will be able to show up on his doorstep TOMORROW.

TALES OF PERSONAL VINDICATION: Perhaps you were in school with the one kid in every year who managed to do fantastically well with the girls, and took every oppurtunity to rub your face in the notion that you would die alone at a computer at age 29 when your national health glasses accidentally stabbed into your eyeball. Perhaps he knocked up and had to marry a screeching chav with buck teeth and one eye on either side of her head, while you took a qualificationless job teaching bored Japanese housewives and now have to figure out how to spend your piles of cash with only one hand due to the fact that you’re using the other to beat off the top-end scrunt with a shitty stick. OUT THEM NOW.

Furthermore, we promise that if this gets underway then we will search the public name change registers day and night in order to bring you glossy prints THE SECOND anyone you ever knew gets involved in the porn industry. For premium members we will actually photoshop the porn ourselves given recent photos from three different angles (mobile phone cameras accepted). Don’t worry that it’s not real – it will be by the time their former classmates see it.

Oh look. We made a pretend screenshot of NiGHTS for PlayStation3 or Xbox 360 or PSP. Either way, it didn’t turn out as funny as we imagined it:

Sorry about this. If we were better at using Photoshop it might have been funnier. Those white circles are ecstacy drugs, but you can hardly tell. It all went wrong. We spent at least an hour cutting out that picture of NiGHTS, too. And the TXT MSG bit is just that same joke we’ve already done before, what? About seven times now? We’d give this update 4/10, and that’s us being generous to ourselves because we made it. If someone else had made this, well, we’d be using the f-word and possibly even getting out the Big C. It’s been a disappointing few weeks for everyone.

THE STORY: After years in disguise creating brilliant subversive comedy, Chris finds that a world who was barely consciously aware of him in the first place has completely forgotten him. He thus enters a fantasy world where he is still hailed as a dark and surreal genius which makes him unable to perform even the most basic domestic chores – WITH CRAZY RESULTS!

Note: Once every episode, Charlie Brooker shows up and delivers his hilarious catchphrase.

THIS WEEK’S EPISODE: Aaa, Mmn’ Foo Voof Can I Have A Packet Of Asprin Please

CHEMIST: Can I help you, sir?
CHRIS: Have you got any Cuprisod?
CHEMIST: Sorry?
CHRIS: Cuprisod or Vagiblast. The wife’s got a bad dose of the exploding twats.
CHEMIST: Oh god, not you again.
CHRIS: What about a four and a half inch bumcrank?

(In the backgroud Stephen Fry approches the shop, looks in through the window, thinks better of it and walks on.)

CHRIS: Bumcranks and Vagiblast. Please help me.
CHEMIST: Sir, please go away or I’m going to have to call the police again.
CHARLIE: (Popping up suddently behind the counter with the camera zooming in on him) CUNT!

It’s OK, we didn’t get bombed. We did walk around and take some photos though, and now that 12 hours have passed feel it’s OK to get the nation laughing again via another joke/babe hybrid piece.

Below you see a screenshot of our last, best hope for saving the world in action. Thus far we have trained it to do the following things:

1) If Nicebloke detects a large number of male pronouns in a sentence it will recognise a moan, and randomly generate sympathy.

2) If Nicebloke recognises a phrase commonly associated with leaving, it will make a play for attention.

3) Any request for confirmation of something will prompt the response “OF COURSE NOT.”

4) If Nicebloke is unable to recognise the syntax of a sentence, it will employ a diversionary tactic.

We haven’t taught it to punctuate properly yet, so all the stock phrases are in captials. Bear with us though,we’ll soon have it unleashed on Yahoo! Bridge.

The only thing lovelier than Katie Holmes is Katie Holmes waking you up in the morning with a 16-inch deep pan Super Supreme Meat Feast she’s just ordered for breakfast as a “thank you” for letting her wee on you. Not that we’re into that kind of thing — we prefer stuffed-crust Hawaiians*.

*Not a euphemism for rent boys.

…or at least that’s what it feels like, anyway. Come on, stupid clock! Faster! Faster!

Of course, a new Sakura Wars game is like the first shit after a night on the razzle. First of all it has a solid and satisfying feel that makes you flood with relief. Then, two hours later when you’re having a giant robot battle with an anthropomorphic marmot on a circus tightrope (or something equally stupid) you realise it was just the pace car, and all that’s left is fifteen to twenty hours of insubstantial crap that makes you regretful and nauseous.

This time, though, Sega have got a secret weapon. Allow us to introduce… WHEELCHAIR GIRL!

To celebrate the advent of a truly UK:R sex symbol and to win over those who might still be in two minds about importing the game, we’ve written a verse of love to get you all in the mood for love and flowers and tweeting birds and help you to forget that the game’s set in America.

Oh, Wheelchair Girl.
You wear glasses and a lab coat.
Your personality will probably be bland and kindly, like Kohran in the good ones on the Saturn.
You come from Boston, so you will be very posh and thus utterly dirty.
You are a med student too, so you will know all the names and be shocked by nothing.

Oh, Wheelchair Girl.
You are so much better than other wheelchair girls
Like that one from Silent Hill.
She was a bit plain, and tried to kill us with dogs.
We will tell our friends that you are by Sega and not RED or Hudson
(As we have been doing since the Dreamcast to avoid embarassment)

Oh, Wheelchair Girl.
I long for the moment of beauty when we become one
Our bodies singing a pure and unsullied aria of love to the heavens.
You will probably have to go over the side of the bed
So that your legs don’t get in the way.

Oh, Wheelchair Girl.
My heart has an access ramp.

We thank you.

Day two and we’re already sort of regretting this. This week’s second Employee of the Week update features a joke about flight data recorders because, sickos that we are, there’s nothing we like more than reading the last dying words of doomed cabin crews as they plummet to the ground.

Sorry, mum. It’s not your fault we turned out like this (it was because of weird Uncle Paul and that secret he made us keep).

How can this sentence…

“I was a bit like a volcano. An erupting volcano. I paused the PlayStation. I went to the kitchen and collected the knife. Without realising it, I stabbed him”

…actually be said by a human being? And we thought throwing a controller and accusing the console of “being gay” was over reacting a bit.

Story in today’s Sun newspaper:

We often “feel like a volcano” after losing at something, but the worst we’ve ever done is shout “cunting fuck” quite loudly into our knees through gritted teeth. We’ve never had to go somewhere (kitchen) to get something (knife) to accurately display our anger with.

IN OTHER NEWS:
Oh, you know, just the usual filler piece about a dad allegedly KILLING ONE OF HIS FOUR-MONTH-OLD BABIES because of possible video game rage:

This one is a lie. It’s the paper suggesting that because they heard he got angry playing games once, that must mean he’s a killer. This is nasty and irresponsible reporting, and that’s why we read The Sun every day.