Well, there sort of are, in that Sonic likes collecting “coin-like” gold items, which is a bit like capitalism. Good luck spinning that sole fact out over 10,000 words, Luke. You’d seriously be better off ditching “uni” and going straight into being unemployed and having a blog about games.

He’s being very brave about using semi-colons;

We pity the poor tutor that will have to read through this, pretending it was a worthwhile way to spend three years. Thanks to reader “Paul” for sending this in.

Not sure where they get the “World” bit from in “Darts World Championships”, as it mainly seems to be an in-house competition for a few northern pubs that somehow ended up on the telly. Still, is was great seeing Martin ‘Wolfie’ Adams show young pretender Dave Chisnall how to cope with the pressure cooker atmosphere of the Lakeside Club in yesterday’s final.

Chisnall fell apart on the 10th set, missing some easy check outs that would’ve pulled him level with Adams. It was painful to watch. As was this, from Saturday’s semi:

“Switched on TV to see this. In a mad rush of enthusiasm I actually made the effort to rewind the TV and take a picture with the rubbish iPhone camera. Now the enthusiasm has kind of worn off and I really don’t know why I went to the effort. Maybe you can write something vaguely amusing about it?” – Mark.

We would like to wager TEN POUNDS that the SEGA All-Stars Racing Wii box will claim this innovation “Puts you at the heart of the action like never before”, probably with an exclamation mark and Official Nintendo Magazine’s overly-generous 8/10 review score on a red starburst beside it.

Both will then be covered up by a sticker saying £19.99 then a sticker saying £17.99 then a sticker saying £14.99 then a sticker saying TWO FOR £24.99 then a sticker saying FOR RECYCLING RETURN TO DISTRIBUTOR SUPPLY #34155. They will then re-emerge in the retail chain as Pot Noodle containers.

We don’t want that to happen, it’s just an extrapolation based on previous scenarios where we’ve got excited and have then been let down.

That’s you, literally IN THE ACTION. It takes a special kind of screenshot to reduce us to tears.

“The more logos you put on the box, Mike, the more customers will think the product is of a high quality”.

Does it really need EIGHT logos? Make that NINE logos, once the discount sticker gets put on the thing after 10 days on sale. Nothing sums up Sony’s current-gen MALAISE better than the GT5 debacle.

You know, that thing it does, where it shoves a controller into the hand of a bewildered retirement home inhabitant who’s monged off what’s remaining of their tits on painkillers, then takes a photo whenever they remember a happy anecdote from their childhood years and start to smile.

Look at them. They don’t care. They’re just doing it because nurse said they can have an extra biscuit and get spared from the nightly raping if they do what the nice man with the hair gel and photographer says to do for 10 minutes. FUCKING MODERN GAMES!

What are you going to do for your next console, Nintendo? Put the controller near a dog then take a photo of it wagging its tail as proof of the machine’s accessibility and genre-busting popularity?

Please, bring on the next video gaming crash. We will happily bury the entire sorry industry in a hole with a digger. We’ll even pay for the hire of the digger and the diesel, just tell us where you want the fucking hole.

SKIRMISH UPDATE:
We’ve decided Nintendo is an ENEMY again. We knew the uneasy truce brought about by Animal Crossing Wild World wouldn’t last.

“Please, mum, do not enter my bedroom and recreate an urban myth by putting a cup of tea down beside me while I am masturbating with my headphones on”.

Well done, SEGA. After the recent years spent in the wilderness producing Wii games for literally about 50 people, it would appear you’re finally ON TRACK again with your target demographic. Start selling these for a pound at a market and you might be able to return to that GLORY FINANCIAL QUARTER you once enjoyed in the early 1990s.

Finally, someone has made the connection between being a mentalist and thinking that Nintendo’s Wii is a valid form of gaming entertainment.

Behold the amazing caption “Yorkshire Ripper … bowling fun”:

From The Sun. Via Eurogamer. We suspect the Sun’s “source” has been spending a bit too long playing Murderer Happy Families.

If your birth name is “Nino” you shouldn’t go making things even harder for the poor call centre employee by then insisting you’re sometimes called “Doo Dew” as well. English isn’t her first language, so she won’t know if she’s supposed to call you “Mr Nino” or “Mr Dew”.

And the call’s being recorded. She’ll be sacked if it’s pulled up for a random QA check.

Sent in by lapsed and presumed missing reader “Phorenzik” who is thankfully still alive. Although the strange email formatting suggests the message was sent on a borrowed prison mobile, or is perhaps being kept alive artificially and using hospital internet.

TRACKLISTING:

01. Seg’s Theme
02. Boss Theme
03. MK Theme
04. Tetris Theme
05. MIss U
06. Reel Luv
07. My Luv Is The Ish
08. Believe In Luv
09. Shorty Get Down
10. No Cruelty
11. New Jack Dream
12. Tic Toc
13. Philly Clear Throat
14. Everybody Handz UP
15. Hell Fuk Yeah
16. Philassippi Slide
17. Uptown Juice
18. U Bad Sista Break
19. Seg’s Break
20. Off The Break
21. MJ Break
22. I’m Black
23. Cops Theme
24. Seg’s Power
25. Mighty Morphin Theme
26. MK II
27. Bill Nye’s Theme
28. Reminisce

You can hear DJ Sega’s “music” on streaming service The Hype Machine, if you’re interested or so bored you fancy at least pretending to be interested for five minutes. He seems to specialise in that thing where you play two records at the same time over the top of each other.

Is the maker attempting to create something ironically bad? Something so bad it gets laughed at all over the internet and becomes a must-have among ironic classes and he, therefore, becomes rich enough not to care?

It’s not even BIG. If it was BIG you might at least feel like you’re getting your money’s worth. And RED TEETH? Has Sonic been FEASTING?

It’s not bad for five dollars, plus four dollars shipping, mind. We’ve imported worse Sonic-branded rubbish for more than that in the past. Spotted at online tat portal Etsy by a reader that’s probably a woman.

DESCRIPTION:
“This painting is acrylic paint on a 3″ by 3” canvas on a frame. It is my design of a Sonic the Hedgehog from the Sega video games. Sonic is all about speed and nothing else. This painting is one of a kind. There will be no copies of this paintin available. I am always making more creature paintings all with different monsters and creatures doing different things.

“Will look good on any wall space or because of its size just hanging out in any nook or cranny of your place of residence. Enjoy its creepy colors when you look at this creature from out of this world.

“SEGA!”

Is it OK with everyone if we turn this site into a site that looks at things on Etsy for a few weeks?

Here’s another image we’ve had sitting around for ages.

It’s not laziness that’s been stopping us using this one. It’s the fact that every time we open it and look at it we get so sad and angry we have to go outside and kick a fence post for an hour until one of the neighbours comes out to ask if we’re OK. We tell them we’ve been looking at the Hasbro image again, and they understand.