You know Alan? Car games Alan. That Alan who likes all the car games. You MUST know Alan. That Alan who literally only ever talks about car games? You know, car games Alan. The one with the web site about car games?

Alan. With the car games. Always has a Logitech steering wheel in his bag just in case? Yes, that Alan. Knew you’d know him.

Anyway, Car Games Alan made this in Forza 3. We now know two things about Alan – he likes cars and is kind of OK at arty stuff and must have quite a lot of patience.

Alan also found this. It’s very, very cool. Incidentally, can we just apologise for Forza Motorsport 2? It was good, but not that good. Just got a bit carried away. That won’t happen again.

Imagine that. Another new Dreamcast game is about to come out. We could roll back the years and do a review of it, if the Dreamcast has survived the hell of being in the loft for the last 18 months, and if the VGA box is in the place where the VGA box logically ought to be (cables bag #2).

The game doesn’t appear to be pushing the hardware to its limits. You could, therefore, say that Dreamcast is still to peak.

“With its 2D graphics and old school gameplay, Rush Rush Rally Racing is absolutely nothing like Gran Turismo, so you might actually like it. Also please know that if the sky were visible in this game, it would most assuredly be blue” – Roel van Mastbergen, Senile Team.

You may order the “Deluxe Edition” from an online shop for a bit over 20 quid. There’s nothing in it for us if you do. This is just a bit of community service, like we’re all still friends.

SEGA is giving away a “free” (TERMS AND CONDITIONS APPLY) controller to people who sign up to its PlaySEGA VIP area. The controller’s shape may trigger a happy memory of playing X-Men vs. Street Fighter or Sonic R. It is a shape SEGA owns the rights to make things in the shape of.

Hopefully that “PLAY” bit can be easily peeled off.

We did some RESEARCH! A three month subscription is £12.99 and if you want the “free” USB Saturn-alike controller that’s an extra £2.99 in postage. So you’re basically paying £15.98 for the controller and right to play some games in a web-based emulator. That’s not bad for a piece of SEGA hardware. Thanks to “Martin” for sending this news in via a popular social networking tool.

How many pieces of PLASTIC SHITE do today’s IDIOT GAMERS need? Does everything have to come in a box you can hardly carry home now?

Can someone please construct a sound-proofed white plastic case we can get in, lie down, and cry within, safe from other people being able to hear.

At least they sent this out.

And at least they sent this out. But they’re still not excused.

We say funny… it was more like ever-so-slightly interesting to a very small group of people for as long as it takes said people involved to scroll down, sigh, then click on something else while they EMOTIONLESSLY eat their PATHETIC SANDWICHES today.

“The other day I was driving down the motorway when I passed a lorry that seemed to have SEGA written on it, only in a strange and new font. I thought it might be some strange and new SEGA division, perhaps shipping some strange and new console somewhere – or some such bullshit.”

“Anyway, I then thought of UKR, naturally, and how ‘events’ such as these appeal. Grabbing my bewildering HTC portable telephone system I scrolled to camera mode. However, I had at this point overtaken the lorry, so had to pull in front of it, slow down, let it overtake me, then overtake it again while wildly taking shots at about 80mph. I suspect that I may have committed a serious driving offence whilst performing this stunt but rest assured I feel no more shameful, dirty and wicked than I do anyway” – Max.

Didn’t get any blurry mobile phone photos from any of you lot. Thanks. We know where we stand now.

Thankfully, a proper man was there with a proper camera.

He was able to go quite close to her, so must’ve looked safe and trustworthy.

He even took several photographs where she clearly consented to being photographed.

Her outfit is, to be frank, a disappointment. There’s a knee, but it’s well covered. That’s of no use.

As are the faces of the civilians.

Would, until her teeth fell out.

We were all that comfortable in the presence of women once.

The publicity man said there were more photographs, but we’re a bit embarrassed about asking for them. He’s bound to guess the ulterior motive.

Sorry. Still no “Blue Sky in Games” t-shirts as the moment’s kind of passed and it’d just be embarrassing bringing them “to market” after all this time.

Instead… BUSINESSMEN. Sorry. Again.

These aren’t really meant for you. But we do need to sell 40 of them to break even, so they’re getting spammed across the whole [makes hands into fists] “network”. We got 100 made. It was a big infrastructure investment.

If they don’t sell from this, we’ll set up a stall selling them at the next farmer’s market (LOCAL JOKE).

They’re £8.99 each plus a bit extra for the envelope and stamp. You know how that works. That’s less than you spend on childrens’ toys in a week.

We have put on date jokes. The first few months are good, then it kind of tales off as you have hopefully come to expect.

They’re being sold through PayPal, so scroll down if you want one or, preferably, all 100 so we can sleep easily tonight without checking for email sales confirmations through the night.

These are PROPER NOT JOKE items, printed on A4 glossy photo paper by these people. Their testimonials page will convince you of the quality.

WHY BUY THESE?

– They have been made and it would be a shame to see them binned in 18 months.

– As an ironic gift for your ironic tosser friend who wears ironic t-shirts that, ironically, aren’t really even that ironic.

– As a gay thing.

– To waste everyone’s time.

– It’ll be nice getting something in the post.

BUY ONE NOW:

UPDATE:
They have now, amazingly and unbelievably, all sold out. And sorry to the person who got the one we scribbled all over. It got mixed up with the proper ones.

Found these. Do not know if they are new or old. They must be quite new, as cameras have only recently been able to take photos this big. Can’t remember her name any more, either.

OK. Can remember her name again. Alison Carroll. Well done whoever cleverly renamed the image files “Alison_Carroll-UHQ_Pictures_001.jpg” and so on, so future generations of Google Image Search-ers know what she was called and who to look for more of.

Carroll with two Rs.

Just to warn you – this photoshoot includes a great costume change. She will soon be wearing less. They are about to wander off message.

Do not know who the original copyright holder is or where they came from.

Do not care. They’re here now. That’s what matters.

They might not be new, but they’re about to become used.

Is this costume part of the Tomb Raider “canon”?

She’s a representative of a video game character. This is allowed. This is fine. This is just what we all do.

It would appear that today’s video games are indeed being developed based on what people vote for in Facebook polls. Look at this. It’s Ryo in Sonic & SEGA All-Stars Racing.

Oh no, hang on, it was Twitter. 12 people Tweeted that this is what they wanted to buy. Then another seven people said wouldn’t it be good if the forklift magically appeared out of the sky.

So that’s what happens now. Sadly, when the charts come out early next year, we’d imagine THE PEOPLE will have decided that what they really want is more FIFA still.

The PEOPLE are STUPID. So put FIFA in it. Have Wembley Stadium turn up, riding a big horse and dropping lumps of turf on Dr Eggman.

These thinner, lightweight new models are so much easier to carry home and position around the house.

Taken from here. The site has a Flickr account here, but there’s a disappointing lack of original resolution source material.