As we already know hateful fuck-knuckles John and Edward are promoting Nintendo’s DSi, in particular some crappy-looking JRPG. I had to taint my computer by going to the Daily Mail website for these:

John and Edward, looking like twats.

John and Edward, looking like twats. Again.

Picture chosen for its Photoshop potential. Send in your best ones to the usual address.

Some kids got a bit confused about their decades and ironic references.

OPENING PREAMBLE
“There’s a new nightclub built around the general theme of Margaret Thatcher apparently, which is like building a theme park around the concept of getting to the till in the supermarket and realising you need to go get cash out of the machine, and having to walk back after your withdrawal to an impatient till line giving you the stinkeye.

“As you might expect from a nightclub modeled on Maggie, it features rudimentary graffiti drawings of Mr. T, who few realise was a fairly marginal Tory backbencher under the reign of the Iron Lady.

“The walls are also decorated with other our most beloved pop culture icons, such as the sensational William Hague and a particularly striking mural of the glitzy and glamorous Enoch Powell to help set the scene for a night of hedonistic delights. But the real belle of the ball is a hedgehog you know all too well! No, it’s not the one that turns up in your garden sometimes making revolting sex grunts and shitting itself when the motion light comes on, it’s Sonic, so don’t go leaving out a plate of milk and bread for him. I think they chose Sonic to epitomise the 80s, clearly overlooking the fact that Sonic first appeared in 1991 alongside an incumbent John Major. Anyway, I read it in the Guardian, on my Kindle, whilst tastefully sipping a fairtrade cappucino and listening to the new Paolo Nutini album on my iPod Touch in the business lounge of the Eurostar. I was wearing cream chinos” – Weatherbox.

I’m sorry. So very sorry…….

There’s one positive to take from all this. At least Sega went tits up  before they ever stooped this low.

Here’s the Cyber Razor Cut advert to restore balance to the world:

Take that Nintendo. Although, to be fair, Nintendo did hire Rik Mayall in the SNES days when all Sega could afford was Spudgun from Bottom.

Sonic has had a long history of taking one step forward and two steps back. For every Sonic Rush there is a Sonic Unleashed (or even, god forbid, Sonic Unleashed Mobile).

And now, not long after at least making a move in the right direction, the little shit jumps on the Kinect bandwagon with Sonic Free Riders.

Look at him, dressed up like a sloaney twat on a ski slope in the Alps. And since when has Sonic needed a hoverboard? IGN gave it 7.5/10, so it’s obviously crap.

WORLD EXCLUSIVE!!!

You saw it here first folks. Brand new leaked pictures from someone’s mate’s dad, whose missus works at a Sony Centre!

WORLD EXCLUSIVE!!!

What we know:

It’s 3D, because they’re serious about forcing this kind of novelty onto consumers.

It’s HD because it makes it sound better.

It’s got one of those touch screens that don’t work properly for games, but are all the rage these days.

It’s got 5 analogue sticks because this is the only thing Sony can think to innovate on.

There’s no headphone socket because it’s got FOUR speakers to allow you BLAST OUT Tinchy Stryder at FULL WHACK. It’s more than loud enough to entertain everyone else who’s also on the train/bus/tram.

It’s got another seventeen buttons round the back (not pictured) and loads of other things that they’ve copied off someone else.

It’ll be released around Christmas time next year, when people have plenty of money to shell out on rubbish.

It will be AT LEAST THREE HUNDRED NOTES!

Gran Turismo 6 is DEFINITELY a launch title.

No!

…SHOCK. As far as we’re concerned, a “retro rollback” is having a wank while remembering that lovely woman from Buck Rogers. Then Deanna Troi loses her clothes in a teleportation accident and turns up and etc etc

“Here’s an image for a slow news day months from now. WWEShop.com ran a retro sale, and it looks like someone on their graphics team is a SEGA fan. Hope everyone’s having an enjoyable 2011!” – Josh.

It looks like Activision, peddler of plastic shite, endless war misery and assorted licensed rubbish, has decided to close Bizarre Creations – the UK developer it bought three years ago. This is pretty grim news, as Bizarre were ace on a technical and human level and were responsible for some amazing games. And The Club. And that one about the animals fighting.

The best game of this entire generation so far (our genuine, not ironic opinion) was Bizarre’s Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved 2, and WHERE WOULD WE BE TODAY without Metropolis Street Racer? Almost certainly dead, or at least in a wheelchair. Good luck, Bizarre people.

‘HIT BAND’ The Wanted were there!

No, me neither, but Wikipedia says they did a song once, and they probably do other songs that Radio 1 like to play.

Leona Lewis was paid to be there as well:

You remember Leona Lewis?

She’s synonymous with all things games!

She’s so committed to the cause, that she did the theme song for one of the Final Fantasy games, 13 years after the franchise became stale.

After Microsoft stopped trying to be Nintendo, they all went backstage and played together:

Leona didn’t stay very long. Afterwards, the one on the bottom right probably made a sexually-related comment, causing the cheeky one in the middle to guffaw.

Possible new hobbies to pursue now games have gone to shit:

Darts

That’s it!

That’s all we can come up with.

Look what 25+ years gaming have done to our imagination.

We’re all doomed come 2035

Number 1: Making a road crossing for hedgehogs:

Sega have teamed up with the People’s trust for endangered species to spunk away a (probably) MASSIVE amount of money on making a crossing to help hedgehogs navigate the roads more safely.

Now, I like hedgehogs as much as the next man, unless the next man’s a gypsy, however, I can’t help but feel that Sega’s money could be better spent elsewhere.

The money they’re wasting on this would pay Shenmue’s Tom’s voice actor a year’s wage!

Other things this money would be better suited to:

Re-making Streets of Rage

Re-making Shinobi

Making more of a fucking effort with Sonic games